In which I engulf myself entirely in the yearly spectacle that is Eurovision Song Contest.

Guessing at the Eurovisiowhatnow?

1460 words about entertainment — 23:41 · 5th May 2013

So, how much do I love you, my dear readers? Well… not very much, but let’s put it this way, I still spent an entire evening listening to this years contestants for Eurovision Song Contest 2013, from the Nickelbackesque ethnic soft rock of Albania to the mail order brides from Serbia. Just so I could dole out points to those who were worthy.

Before I say anything I want to go into full disclosure mode; I don’t follow the Eurovision Song Contest, never have and probably never will. It just doesn’t interest me enough, I have friends back in Finland who actually make an evening of this whole shebang. Me? I’m sorry but I just don’t care. Which of course means I am totally unfamiliar with… well… everything. Which means that my ignorance will probably be ridiculously transparent at points and if there’s anything that bothers you too much, feel free to educate me in the comments. I did some brief research to understand in which order the points are given out because I wanted to mimic that, I hope I got it right.

Having said that, I thought it would make for an interesting post with Eurovision Song Contest coming up in a couple of weeks, the 18th of May according to Wikipedia, to have someone who is a complete amateur at this — though I don’t know what a pro would look like — give out points. Also I like being judgemental. So you know, there’s also that. Let’s get to it, shall we?

Greece receiving 1 point.

First up, Greece with Koza Mostra & Agathon Iakovidis and their song Alcohol Is Free. I’m not sure if it’s five different guys who happen to have the same beard or if it’s just one guy changing t-shirts a lot. A happy, cheerful song with super catchy chorus. What’s not to like? 1 point. But Greece, maybe you shouldn’t give out free alcohol. Charge for it, god knows you need the money.

Greece receiving 2 points.

Next, Norway with Margaret Berger and her I Feed You My Love. This electro pop cliché sounds like a love child between Björk (Icelandic artist) and Robin (Swedish artist) but well done, which gives you 2 points. But don’t try to “dance” in that dress you’re wearing, just don’t.

Greece receiving 3 points.

3 points go to Russia and their Dina Garipova, who reminds us to get together and blah blah — she lost me — with her anthem What If. Typical Russia to bring us a song about Communism. Powerful sing-a-long song which only looses some of its impact by finding the most boring Russian woman to sing it.

Greece receiving 4 points.

Italy makes itself deserving of 4 points by giving us Marco Mengoni and his song L’Essenziale, which means… well, fuck if I know. Actually, looking at it, it probably translates to “The Essential”. Anyway, good clean ballad with strings. Not adventurous in any way but at least it’s good at what it does. Unlike United Kingdom’s boring contribution. I mean seriously, who brings The Bonnie Tyler and then gives her the snoozefest that is “Believe In Me”?

Greece receiving 5 points.

Next up is another ballad, this one from Georgia.  Nodi & Sophie earn their 5 points with Waterfall. Again, United Kingdom, take a look at Georgia for how to do powerful ballads if you’re going to insist on ballads every time. Sophie has a bit of man-voice syndrome in the beginning but once they get going I’m sold. Waterfalls you say? I could definitely go for a swim.

Greece receiving 6 points.

From Waterfalls we jump Straight Into Love with Slovenia’s contribution by Hannah. Take a woman that kind of looks like Nicole Scherzinger, mix equal parts Daft Punk with Disco, add a splash of Dubstep and we have the recipe for what is a solid good song. Here, take my 6 points and let me continue to do the Dubstep Robot Dance.

Greece receiving 7 points.

This next artist is interesting because I have no fucking idea how to pronounce his first name,  Eyphor? Eifyr? Anyway Eyþór Ingi Gunnlaugsson from Iceland sings about whatever Ég á Líf means and you know what? His beard alone makes me want to move a couple of steps on the Kinsey Scale, Eyipor, Eihy… whatever. Have 7 points, now sing the song again you magnificently pretty bastard you.

Greece receiving 8 points.

Oh Montenegro, you cheeky fuckers. Who in their right mind brings a Dubstep atrocity to the Eurovision Song Contest? You do, that’s who. And I salute you for it. Whoo See feat. Nina Zizic takes this party to a completely different level with their song Igranka. And with that, you have definitely earned these 8 points.

Greece receiving 10 points.

In second place, getting 10 points and a newfound respect from me is Germany and Cascada. The only song that I think transcends the entire contest and is simply, are really good fucking song. Whilst certainly not as “out there” as Montenegro’s contribution this song is as solid as it gets, every high and low carefully constructed to maximize its awesomeness. I now understand the reason for the expression “German engineering” as I would gladly go out for a rave night, to a bit of amphetamine and dance to Cascada’s Glorious.

And finally, we have come to the last one, the last 12 points. The legendary Douze.

Going into this little endeavour I honestly thought it was going to be an easy decision. I assumed that I would only find 3 songs — at most — that I could even tolerate. Apparently this was not the case as I discovered quite a few songs I really enjoyed. I also found a few I didn’t enjoy. Robin Stjernberg with his song You. Catchy? Well a bit I suppose, but so is Chlamydia. He reminds me Barbie’s male counterpart Ken. And that weird Whale Mating singing? What is that?

Start the drum roll please.

I was also surprised to find many countries that used to send in crap such as Jari Sillanpää has gotten their heads out of their asses and have — this year for instance — sent Krista Siegfrids with her Marry Me, which is a really decent song. Not 12 points decent though, which is why I am giving 12 points to no other than… Belgium.

Greece receiving 12 points.

Roberto Bellarosa singing about how Love Kills is to me the perfect Eurovision song in every way. And the bridge section squeezing in a bit of Dubstep just shows how well in tune with current standards this song is. Experimental? Hell no, that’s not what Eurovision is about. Monstrosities like Lordi only happens once in a lifetime. Love Kills has everything it should have, no more and no less, and for that I’m giving it the Douze.

I’m not planning on watching this years Eurovision Song Contest — still not interested enough — but I am going to keep an eye out for the results. I am curios to see how close mine will be to the real thing.

I also pretend there’s a rivalry between Finland and United Kingdom in my post “The 11 Year Eurovision Showdown”, where I compare 11 years of Eurovision entries from both countries and give them points.

You’ve just read Guessing at the Eurovisiowhatnow? .

In which, 7 years ago, I wrote 1460 words about entertainment and I covered topics, such as: eurovision song contest.