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And They All Cheered as He Appeared with a Beard

№221 ~2 minutes

In which I confess to being a hipster—like we all didn’t already know that—as well as reveal the ongoing project of growing out a beard for a year. Also, there may be rhyming involved.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before my metamorphosis came to its not-so surprising conclusion. Thought sometimes one can wonder, “Why did I think this would be a good idea? Did I suffer a contusion?”

For starters, I don’t want to gloat, but I’m a bit of a hipster, one who wears a waistcoat. Not a full-blown, mop-top haircut, skinny jeans, owns his own printing press. But a hipster nonetheless.

Enough of a hipster so that when people say that I’m the kind of person who should have a typewriter, I think, “I’d love to, I just haven’t found the right one.”

Model: Ricki Hall
Sadly, I will never look like this.

So. Here’s how it’s going to go.

I’ve decided to grow a beard.

“Why?” every woman screams dramatically, “You’ll look weird.”

Meanwhile, every man in the vicinity, lights up as if touched by the holy trinity, “Another grower, that’ll show ‘er. A beard is a beautiful thing. Like a cock ring. But for your face.”

The Beardman's Kit by Beardbrand
I'm quite looking forward to investing in a beard grooming kit.

A plan is laid and what follows is this; An unkempt face that no one would kiss. Grow it long for a whole year, but let me make this very clear: I fully intend to groom and style, at least once in a while, for I wish to impress, and not simply look like someone who’s homeless.

Leave it for the first 6 weeks, that’s the rule of thumb. Let it grow, to see of what your beard will become. After which you’ll know what you’ll be working from.

“What does your wife think?” you say, to which I reply, “Don’t be one of those, don’t ruin this day.”

She of course supports me completely, provided I keep my Flavor Saver neatly. Although initially fraught with shock, she was distraught, she’s now getting used to the thought.

“Does she like it?” you ask and smile, to which I reply, “Are you kidding? Of course not, she thinks that it’s vile.”

But as every relationship has its ‘give and take’, this is a journey every man must make.

Besides, to show her that I’m not such a selfish guy, I’ll also give the man bun a try.

My “A Scary, Hairy Beard Story” started on November 9th and you can follow the journey from this entry, which I will update every Sunday.

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