Left arrow

Concluding the Epic Rivalry

№241
~7 minutes
InEntertainment

    In which I continue that weary—by now—tradition of listening through every Eurovision contender and then give them points. Or joke about them. Sometimes both.

    I’m sure you’ve been asking yourself, “Is he going to write a stupid entry about Eurovision this year again?”

    I’m happy to tell you that your deepest fears have been answered because, “Yes. Yes I am.”

    You know how I thought that last year was the Year of the Ballad. As it turns out, I was wrong because every year, is the Year of the Ballad.

    So here we are, I have once again pushed myself and endured through the hardship that is listening to music I don’t particularly like to present you with another round in the epic battle that is “Finland vs. United Kingdom, a rivalry that I’ve completely made up.”

    Now I know that the Eurovision is split into two Semi-Finals followed by the Grand Final, which means that some of the ones I’ve liked might not even make it to the Grand Final but that’s just a risk I’m going to have to take.

    So, having said all of that, let’s get on with the show.

    First up, in 10th place…

    United Kingdom

    Electro Velvet and their Still In Love With You manages to sway me—but barely—getting them 1 measly point, but will it be enough for UK to win the rivalry—that I’ve made up—between them and Finland?

    Despite its negative reception, I actually think it’s an okay song. Both singers are incredible dull but at least the song itself is not as boring as some of their previous contenders.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 1 point to United Kingdom.
    The one that avoids human contact at all costs.

    F.Y.R. Macedonia

    Daniel Kajmakoski and his Autumn Leaves starts out as your everyday bland piano ballad and well, picks up a little as it reaches the pre-chorus but never really becomes anything more than a so-so piano ballad. Still, it’s better than many other so well done, I suppose, Macedonia here’s your 2 points.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 2 points to F.Y.R. Macedonia.
    The one that’s affected by gravity.

    Czech Republic

    Marta Jandová and Václav Noid Bárta and their Hope Never Dies gets my 3 points. Sure, Marta is decent but what seals the deal is Václav, the tattooed bear-man with diastema, and his glorious voice.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 3 points to Czech Republic.
    The one with the combustible muscular organ.

    Switzerland

    Mélanie René with her Time To Shine gets my 4 points. Is it a great song? Not really, but I like it. It’s catchy, quite good and Mélanie sings it well.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 4 points to Switzerland.
    The one vaguely dressed as a Native American, for some reason.

    Latvia

    Aminata sings Love Injected and gets 5 points for her troubles. This is the first song that I’m—sort of—genuinely liking a bit. Yeah, I’m sorry UK but your song just wasn’t good enough. Aminata has an excellent voice that carries this song far.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 5 points to Latvia.
    The one with the weird method to replenish energy.

    Iceland

    Maria Olafs is Unbroken in an abandoned factory. This one reminds me of Denmark’s winner a couple of years ago. But then again I suppose any barefooted Scandinavian girl will have that effect on me. As far as I’m concerned Iceland, you’re totally a part of Scandinavia. Here’s your 6 points.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 6 points to Iceland.
    The one that’s cautious about moving forward.

    Azerbaijan

    Elnur Huseynov and his Hour Of The Wolf swoops in and captures 7 points. Elnur and his falsetto extraordinare shines at the crescendo and I feel compelled to actually listen to it again.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 7 points to Azerbaijan.
    The one that has trouble with its circadian rhythm.

    Now, before we move on to the top 3, we should stop to take a moment and pay our respects to all our fallen comrades. Let’s take a moment of silence for all those who didn’t make it this far.

    Some of you were so close, like Georgia’s contender Nina Sublatti and her Warrior and Armenia’s Genealogy with Face The Shadow.

    Others, were not really close at all, with their super-annoying and repetitive shit-songs, like Lithuania’s Monika Linkyt and Vaidas Baumila and their This Time, making me want to Vincent Van Gogh myself.

    Then, of course, there’s that epic rivalry I keep going on about. Is perhaps Finland’s Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät and their Aina Mun Pitää in the top 3 this year? Is that why I haven’t mentioned them yet?

    The answer is—spoiler alert!—a disappointing, “No. No, they’re not.”

    Now, I could go on about the band itself and how it represents a step forward for Finland as a country and Eurovision Song Contest as an event. A step towards being more inclusive, which is good and about time and whilst it’s a small step, it’s a step nonetheless.

    But here’s the thing; I didn’t like the song. I just didn’t. And for that reason I haven’t given them any points.

    Which means, the UK wins this round and gets a point, putting them in the lead.

    Finland 6 - 7 United Kingdom
    The one that just won’t get resolved.

    Moving onwards though, in third place:

    Estonia

    Elina Born & Stig Rästa with their Goodbye To Yesterday gets a well earned 8 points. A good and catchy song with a duo that complement each other great.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 8 points to Estonia.
    The one with domestic problems.

    In second place:

    Italy

    Il Volo sings about a Grande Amore and aside for the, “Great Love,” part I don’t understand a word of it. But you know what? I don’t care ‘cos it’s awesome. Here’s 10 points Italy, for your adorable boy-children with their beautiful voices.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 10 points to Italy.
    The one with difficulties letting go.

    Which means we have now reached the ending, the final 12 points. Who will receive the famous Douze?

    Drum roll please.

    This year’s Eurovision winner–according to a stranger on the internet that doesn’t actually follow Eurovision that much—is…

    Norway

    Mørland & Debrah Scarlett sing A Monster Like Me and it’s haunting. Their voices harmonise in a way that gives me goosebumps. The song manages to be both creepy and beautiful all in one go.

    Carlos Eriksson gives 12 points to Norway.
    The one where I can’t think of a funny pun.

    This Saturday, the 23rd, we’ll see how all of this pans out—was my opinion near those of the publics’ votes—and more importantly we get to see how the UK fares against Finland.

    If the UK does better than Finland in the competition I can give them another point—under my arbitrary rules—and with a 2 point lead that also means I can put this pretend rivalry to rest.

    We’ll see. Or hear? Yeah, we’ll hear.

    The next entry comes out in 5 days.

    Get notified when the next one’s out

    Subscribe for fortnightly updates

    And Another Thing…

    Living From a Suitcase

    That Sour Aftertaste of Eurovision

    Explore more

    There are 35 more entries from 2015. See all the entries.