Carlos Eriksson | Journal RSS feed for my journal, where I write about things that interest me, lately it’s been running and mental health. https://carloseriksson.com/blog en-GB Fri, 29 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 Tattoo #11 https://carloseriksson.com/blog/2024/tattoo-number-eleven 2024-03-09T10:26:00+00:00 In which I start on the next full-sleeve tattoo.

]]>
I’m pretty sure it’s my eleventh tattoo.

It’s been a while since we’ve talked about tattoos, so as a refresher, here’s where we left off in The Troubles with Taboo Tattoos


I want to design a full-sleeve tattoo where the theme is about the balance in life through learning and wisdom.

After appropriating deities from Hinduism, Jainism and Buddhism through a very Western lens in a sketch dating back to December 2015—have I ever told you how long my tattoos take some times—I decided to look at my own heritage and our Norse mythology instead.

This is when I realised that Neo-fucking-Nazis are appropriating it. Fucking dickheads.

So the entry simply ended with the sentence, “I’ll have to think of something else.”


Right, all good?

Up to date?

Good.

And you know what? I did think of something else.

After some more research, I managed to find a source of mythology that promotes body modifications, has no living practitioners, and is not associated with hate groups such as white supremacists.

Closeup of Book of the Dead of Hunefer (Hw-nfr) frame 3; fully coloured vignettes; coloured border. The scene (vignettes) shows episodes in Hunefer's judgement.
Book of the Dead of Hunefer (Hw-nfr) sheet 3; fully coloured vignettes; coloured border. Judgement vignette with captions and spell 30. Courtesy of the British Museum's object: EA9901,3.

I’m taking inspiration from Hunefer’s 19th dynasty papyrus Book of the Dead, specifically The Weighing of the Heart.

A few sketches later I had a rough composition and a clear enough picture in my head that I could explain it to a tattoo artist.

Closeup of Carlos Eriksson pencil sketch of Anubis holding a heart and a feather.
Playing with some ideas and compositions.

Now I just needed to find an artist whose style would be well suited for it.

Enter: Josh Peacock, most known for his “Critter” tattoos.

Once Josh and I got to talking about Egyptian mythology I knew he was the right artist for the sleeve.

And we’ve already started.

Closeup of a scarab tattoo in progress. The tattoo is mainly black outlines and some of the purple transfer can still be seen.
Scarabaeus sacer.

Now I know what you might be thinking, “hold on Carlos, that’s not the sketch.”

No, it isn’t. It’ll all make sense when it’s finished, you’ll see.


Since getting my first tattoo, I’ve always said I would never cover up or fix a tattoo once it’s done.

I’ve always liked how they serve as physical memories I carry with me, proof that I was that person once upon a time.

But as I’ve been working through memories and photos, putting things in their place, I think it’s time to move forward a bit more.

So, I’ve changed my mind and for our next session, I’ll be saying goodbye to and covering up my first tattoo: the yin-yang with weird tribal swirls that 16-year-old Carlos designed himself and had a former strip-club owner tattoo on his forearm.

I’ve made sure to take photos of it so that I can still look back at my lovely ugly first tattoo.


I have a lot more sketching and designing to do but this entry serves as a good marker of, “Yes, Carlos, after almost nine years of contemplating, on 1 March 2024, you finally started on your next full sleeve tattoo.”

Stay tuned.

]]>
Spinning The Joy Wheel https://carloseriksson.com/blog/2024/spinning-the-joy-wheel 2024-02-18T16:48:00+00:00 In which I share a non-authoritative list of the things that are currently sparking joy.

]]>
I just realised I haven’t written anything yet this year.

So we’re rectifying that immediately with a silly little list of all the (current) things I do when I want something to do that sparks joy and all that shit but sadly would forget about because my brain struggles with remembering that I’m doing a project unless I can physically see it pretty much all of the time.

But it’s not very practical to surround my bedroom with every artefact from ongoing projects.

So I put them in a spreadsheet instead.

God do I love a spreadsheet.

Some bullet points obviously have an almost infinite sublist, such as ‘paint miniatures’, which already contains twenty or so miniatures and various sculpting all concealed in that one bullet point.

But because I can continue on that project in anyway I like, ‘paint miniatures’ will do as far as reminders to myself are concerned.

This list is also, obviously, subject to all manners of change. For all you know, I’ve already changed it haha.

Carlos Eriksson as a Disney character standing my fortune wheel depicting all the different things he's historically done and blogged about, like shitting himself.
So exciting! You never know when the wheel will land on, “Oh god, everything’s on fire!”

These are in no order at all, it’s just how I remembered them at the time of putting them into the spreadsheet.

I then added a random function so it would just pick any of them anytime I update a cell—it’s basic as fuck and I love it.

  • paint miniatures
  • work on EMBRACE
  • macrame the thing
  • read a book
  • lino!
  • work on next sleeve tattoo
  • work on calf (running ) tattoo
  • find good linework tattoo artist! JOSH?
  • work on Reboot
  • make a date with a friend
  • go for a run
  • play covers on guitar
  • work on your own songs
  • work on zombie clown 2023
  • record a finished song with Rode
  • work on Tales from the Gun
  • work on Island of Eternity, translate cards to EN
  • code on pirate game
  • sculpt the 50s carlos disney figure so i have a scale model to reference
  • read comics (Sandman)
  • review cupcakes recipes
  • build ukulele
  • organise digital photos a bit

So that’s my current list of joyful things.

What do you have on Wheel of Joy?

]]>
Year-in-Review 2023 https://carloseriksson.com/blog/2023/year-in-review-2023 2023-12-23T12:16:00+00:00 In which I reflect on 2023 with all of its ups, downs, and sideways.

]]>
If you’re a returning reader and already know the drill. Jump to the first group: self-care.

If this is your first visit here, or your first year-in-review, or you want a refresher of what the fuck this is.

Welcome, and get cosy with a beverage, you’re gonna be here for about 20 minutes.

Since 2018 I’ve been writing myself yearly directions on the first morning of the year.

There are no attempts at hustling because I have no fucking tolerance for that capitalist bullshit, instead, my list contains directions to help guide me along the year—and to remind me of what’s important to me.

I never showed anyone this list until you’re reading it now.

As the year draws to its close I then reflect on the list, what I did, what I didn’t do, and why I did or didn’t do it. The broad groups in the table of contents have emerged from looking at the recurring themes in my direction. In turn, the groups themselves now guide the process of writing the list to make sure I don’t accidentally miss, for example, working on relationships.

Sometimes I end up doing things that weren’t on the list. I will still mention them as Not on my list, because I also want to invite the universe unfolding as time goes by.

Table of contents

Self-care

Right.

Pandemic, third year now, let’s do this.

By, “this,” I of course mean, “remind ourselves that we cannot self-care out of systemic mental and physical health crises.” No matter how hard we try.

But as I’ll talk about a bit later, it helps a little when your employer gives you a well-being budget—even though it’s also grossly paternalistic.

Start fixing my fucked up face by seeing a dentist

I dread dentists.

Long before I ever fucked up my skull and face.

Wanna guess the last time I went to a dentist?

It wasn’t until we took Jude for his first checkup—his teeth were great—that I also decided to book myself an appointment, despite really really not wanting to.

I’ve had my first consultation, there’s—unsurprisingly—quite a few things which should and can be fixed without us even getting the really fucked-up shit, so that’s where we’ll start.

Getting an NHS dentist was practically impossible at the time—because they were either too far away or not accepting new patients—so I’ve gone privately for now and I’ve managed to find a dental practice which seems a bit more equipped to handle my sensory and traumatic issues.

It also means I can get oral sedation for the more invasive work. I’ve had it before, it works and it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than intravenous sedation which I would struggle to afford.

The first fix is scheduled for early next year and to be honest, I’m mostly trying to not think about it for now.

Knit the thing from Ellie

Back when Katy and I had to self-isolate in February 2020, having just returned from South Korea, Ellie sent a macrame kit that she had designed with instructions and everything.

It’s lovely.

More than three years later and despite putting it on my list this year, I still haven’t knitted macraméd myself the hanging basket.

But I know I will. Some things just don’t happen right away.

More on this a bit later in this entry where I also talk about a Lino printing kit.

Book 2 nights at a cabin somewhere

I often see a Facebook image with a desolate cabin and the following text underneath it:

Would you live in this remote cabin, with no phone or internet for a year for a million dollars?

I’m never quite sure who this image is designed to provoke an appeal or disgust in, but for me, it’s what I dream about.

Despite that, I didn’t manage to book myself in a cabin anywhere.

I bought a nice pair of hiking boots and I even broke them in. I need to get over the feelings of guilt about leaving Katy to parent on her own for two nights. She’s said she’ll be fine, she’s parented on her own before, I really should trust that everything will be fine.

Finish 1 song

After struggling to finish songs I had already started, I decided to spend a chunky two months’ worth of time and effort to finish at least 1 song this year.

Yes, two months for 1 song —I was being realistic, okay?

It paid off.

Because I managed to finish 23 songs.

I also increased my total of unfinished songs to 62, but we’ll worry less about that and take the win.

Moving forward I want to record some rough demos so I bought myself a Røde NT-USB.

Beyond that, if Aerosmith can record “Sweet Emotion” with a fucking sugar packet then I don’t think I need much—although, I’m no Steven Fucking Tyler either.

I said I want to record an album one day, now that’s beginning to feel a lot closer than ever before.

Finish a Terror Snail

After rearranging the bedroom (see below), and leaving my IKEA adjustable standing desk in what became Katy’s room, Lucien and I have had a long break from miniature painting.

A lot of our armies are still waiting to be painted, some are even waiting to be assembled.

As for the mighty Terror Snail Gary, well, he’s also still waiting to be painted.

Maybe next year we’ll resume our painting sessions.

Sick a lot

Not on my list.

I don’t imagine anyone ever plans or wants to be sick. And as I mentioned in The End of The Vitruvian Man, I have been sick a lot more this and last year than any years before that—at least of the recorded years.

Today’s count stands at 49 sick days (excluding migraine days). Almost half of February (12 days) was spent being sick, ending with me gasping for air and then getting two different kinds of antibiotics.

The result is that I’ve had a lot of time stolen from me this year.

I’ll be keeping an eye on this trend as much as I want to be hopeful that it’s anomalous and not a new normal for me.

Persistent pests

Not on my list. Duh.

I honestly considered not writing about this at all because it’s not that interesting. We live in the countryside, in a converted maltings, so getting rats isn’t surprising.

Starting the year with rats and ending it with rats is, well, not fun.

They chewed through our dishwasher drain hose and it gushed water everywhere 7 hours before we had to leave for our flight. So much stress.

But having to deal with the fucking useless property management company Joscelyne Chase, now that is infuriating.

With their excuses and remarkable ineptitude, it’s glaringly obvious that they’re feckless money-grabbers who couldn’t give a shit about doing their jobs. Would not and will not recommend them.

Professional haircut

Not on my list.

November 2019 was the last time I went to a hairdresser’s and got a professional cut.

Between then and a couple of months ago, I shaved my head with a cheap hair clipper.

During this time I learned two things:

  1. my hair grows irritatingly fast
  2. I don’t look horrible in a tennis-ball-buzzcut

But, it felt amazing getting a professional haircut cut and I’m really happy with having more stylable hair that’s still very low maintenance. Harry at Scruffs did a great at managing my double crown.

Homeward

Not on my list.

I moved away from home at 16-years-old. Since then I’ve moved around a lot, usually only staying a year, maybe two in the same place. I’ve lived across twenty or so addresses so far.

On 12 October 2023, with a duration of 4 years and 3 months, the house Katy and I are sharing became the second longest home and address I’ve ever had.

It’s bewildering and I love it.

Honest with myself

Not on my list.

This year, more than any other, I’ve been working on being more honest with myself. And from that honesty, a new sense of self is emerging.

I’m not entirely sure what they’re going to look like once they’re out completely but we’ll find out eventually.

I had a frank conversation with my 15-year-old self. I spoke about my chronic pain.

I even concluded the data collection for whether I could change my character, charming or not—come back for the results of that five-year experiment early next year.

Relationships

The theme this year has been to double down on my existing relationships, making sure to nurture those that are deep and meaningful.

The fool sleeps as if he were already dead, but the master is awake and he lives forever. He watches. He is clear. Buddha

Strengthen my relationships

I want deep and meaningful relationships with people: friends, lovers, and everyone in between.

This year, I’ve focused a lot of energy on strengthening my existing relationships rather than pursuing any new ones—although, as life has a habit of throwing curveballs I’ve ended up making a couple of new ones anyway.

I’m happy with both of these things unfolding but I’m especially happy about being able to express how much I value the relationships I’m having and not worrying quite as much about being “too much”.

One person’s “too much”, is another one’s “more please”.

I’m also learning to articulate boundaries that I should have expressed years ago and finding out that some people preferred it when I didn’t. I suspect I’m better off having these less of people in my life.

Spend another summer month in Finland

After a lovely month in Finland last year, we were eager to repeat it.

But after realising that we really wanted Lucien to be able to join us this time—the school holidays aren’t as generous here as in Finland—we instead decided to spend Christmas in Finland.

We’re here now and I’m looking forward to introducing Jude to proper amounts of snow, we’ll see what he thinks—Lucien already loves it.

Take Katy out for 2 date nights (maybe 1 in Helsinki)

I know how important it is to spend uninterrupted time together as partners, which is why Katy and I have been taking turns asking each other out on date nights.

Katy took me to The Fitzwilliam Museum to see the Black Atlantic: Power, People, Resistance exhibit, which was really interesting when you realise that the museum itself owes its very existence to the generational wealth it hoarded through the Transatlantic slave trade.

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend visiting the exhibit which is running until 7 January 2024.

For my turn, I took Katy to see Daði Freyr, the æðislegur Icelandic musician who was due to represent Iceland, as frontman of Daði & Gagnamagnið, in the cancelled Eurovision Song Contest 2020.

In the end, I had misunderstood the time of the event so by the time Daði was due to perform I was already too tired—insert old man joke here—and we instead headed home, picking up McFlurries on the way.

Whilst not the date night I had planned, we both had a lovely time.

Katy also took me out for a birthday lunch date, and next week I’m taking her to HEJM.

Dates with other people

Not on my list.

Now, I want to start by going on the record as I dislike first dates.

Second dates are where it’s interesting because neither of you is as worried that the other person is a secret axe murderer —maybe this says more about me than anything else?

For the first two years after Jude was born, I’ve been too busy parenting to think about dating but this year I made an effort to meet some new people.

At one of my dates this year, I finally got to use the Lino printing kit I bought back in 2018— remember what I said about things not happening right away? In the end, we were looking for different things, so no second date.

Another was very lovely but also in need of healing from a recent breakup and wasn’t ready for non-monogamy.

Cancer

Definitely not on my fucking list.

End of last year, Katy found out her dad had been diagnosed with kidney cancer and was going in for an operation early the following year.

The operation was successful but he has still had to undergo chemotherapy throughout the year and I’ve been supporting Katy.

If all goes well, he’s only got two more chemotherapy sessions left, so fingers crossed.

Play another Warhammer 40k match with Lucien

We didn’t. We didn’t even paint anything this year.

As I already mentioned, some of our armies are even waiting to be assembled.

I sometimes watch Youtubers speedpaint their way through an entire army in 24 hours and I wonder, “Why? WHY?! That doesn’t look like fun at all.”

Meanwhile, we’re taking our sweet-ass time, and I’ve only painted 1 box of Plaguebearers of Nurgle and almost painted 1 box of Death Guard Plague Marines.

And unlike those Youtubers, it’s taken me 3 years.

Although, I suppose no one is going to click on a video titled, “I slow painted 17 Warhammer minis in 26,280 hours (3 years).”

We did, however, spend quality time together by returning to the cinema after a three-year hiatus, to see Five Nights at Freddy’s.

Lucien is a big fan and absolutely loved it and all its easter eggs and references.

I thought it was quite shit.

But, because I suspect the screenplay is to blame for a lot of my issues with the film, I’ve decided to read Five Nights at Freddy’s: Fazbear Frights #1: Into the Pit, the first in the anthology series from Scott Cawthon (and various authors), to see how similar its pacing and character arcs are.

Carlos Eriksson as a Disney character, standing with a toddler and a teenager representing their children, looking themselves in the mirror.
Poop jokes aren’t my favourite jokes. But they’re a solid #2.

Getting spaces of our own

Not on my list.

Last year I reflected on not having used the office room much, despite getting it all furnished and decorated.

This tells me it isn’t working as intended. I will need to reflect on why that is, and if I’m selfishly dominating a room I don’t use often enough. Carlos, Wrapped 2022

After a brief chat with Katy, the conclusion was a simple, “Yes.”

And we decided the office room would instead become her official bedroom, to do with as she pleased.

We now have our own spaces where we can withdraw when we need to rest, relax, or recharge.

This also means that my room can be in a perpetual state of crafting chaos without stressing Katy—our brains work very differently and I need to constantly see ongoing projects to remember that they even exist.

We both love having our own spaces.

Gave myself food poisoning by eating raw prawn juice

Who would put this on a list? Just no.

“What’s the worst that could happen,” I said as I knowingly spooned the uncooked prawn juice on top of my rice, thinking I would just get extra flavour. Num-num.

But no, instead I got diarrhoea.

Lots of diarrhoea.

24 fucking hours of fucking diarrhoea Carlos. You idiot.

Lesson learned.

Gym

Not on my list.

Since I began working out at home (Push Ups, Planks and Puking), over eight years ago, I rarely wanted to go to the gym.

Partly because I could do most things at home, and partly because I couldn’t really justify the cost of a monthly gym membership.

This year, inspired by the well-being budget we all get from the company where I work, I decided to change that.

Aside from fixing any imbalances I assumed I had—both in terms of my form but also just muscle groups I had missed with my own training—I wanted to focus on building a bit more muscle and functional strength.

Oh, and I also want to be able to do pull-ups.

In 1.5 months I’ve managed to go from 1ish pull-up to 3 + 3 assisted, which might not seem like much but it’s progress and I’m really happy with it.

Let’s see where I’m at in another year.

We’re hiring if you’re interested in getting your own wellbeing budget and working alongside me. Tell Redgate I sent you. 😉

Learning

I am continuing the work on becoming the human I want to be: to grow as a person, to be more patient, kinder and more compassionate to my children and the people I meet in life.

Read 4 diverse books

Read a little, most days.

I already held myself accountable to my intentions when I looked at What I Read in 2021, and when I posted the summarised results 2022 on Instagram.

It’s never about quantity but whose voices I’m inviting to influence my thinking.

And soon I’ll be looking at my reading habits by analysing what I read in 2023.

Judging by the fact that I didn’t read at all in August and still managed to read 261 out of 348 days (75%), it looks like I at least read “most days”.

Set up a greenhouse, grow stuff through an entire season

After basically killing all the indoor plants, I wanted to try having a greenhouse this year—I used to grow herbs very successfully as a child in my mom’s greenhouse.

Unfortunately, I quickly killed the first batch of seeds and plants.

Then Ellie was kind enough to give me more plants.

Which I then also murdered.

In the end, I admitted defeat, took the whole greenhouse down and haven’t looked back since.

Perhaps a Future Carlos will return to his green-fingered ways but for now, it seems Carlos 2023 only has brown fingers.

New artwork and style

Not on my list.

Suddenly, about halfway through the year, inspiration struck.

I say suddenly but really I was looking for something for my idle hands to do (read: masturbate) when I stumbled on Kali Sudra, a queer brown femme who writes, directs and performs.

Excited—is that the right word here Carlos?—to find porn that focuses on inclusive eroticism for all genders rather than the stereotypical porn.

Hand-drawn with a cheap watercolour brush pen on Matte 300gsm, measuring 420 x 594 mm, I’ve titled it “3 AM” and intend to put it up on my new and improved gallery wall.

And even though I originally envisioned this as a one-off, I’ve already started sketching the next erotic piece, highlighting another performer.

Speaking Swedish with Jude

Not on my list.

When Jude was born Katy and I had already agreed that I would (try) to speak Swedish with him.

As a Finland-Swede, I come from a minority in Finland who speak Swedish as their first language.

There are about 260,000 (~5% of the population) of us on mainland Finland.

But I’ve grown up with Pippi Långstrump (Pippi Longstocking) and other amazing exports from Sweden because we had SVT, the Swedish national public television broadcaster.

So the Swedish I speak is asymmetrically intelligible —I understand Sweden-Swedes easily, they often struggle with my archaic dialect—and mine isn’t even the worst of the dialects.

For a while, I spoke only Swedish to Jude. In fact, I spoke only Swedish to everyone in our household.

Which meant Katy struggled to understand me. And Lucien’s eyes glazed over when I spoke to him. Belonging and being understood is such an important social need.

And I’ll be honest, it was really challenging for me to keep it to Swedish anyway. I haven’t spoken Swedish exclusively since I was about 10.

I learned, that it’s really hard when you’re the only one speaking a language in a household.

I would welcome and appreciate it if anyone’s got any practical tips for what to do.

Learn British Sign Language (BSL)

Not on my list.

After failing to keep it Swedish I remembered a different language dream I had once had—which was to learn sign language.

At Jude’s nursery, they use Makaton to support language development, so the first thing I did was research what the fuck Makaton is.

Makaton signs are used together with speech at all times and follow the same grammatical word order as English. A registered trademark of the Makaton Charity originating in 1979, it smells a lot like some white people thought they knew better than the Deaf community.

A community that created British Sign Language (BSL), a language with its own grammar and syntax and whose existence goes as far back as the 15th century.

Meanwhile, the official Makaton website itself says:

Most people start using Makaton as children then naturally stop using the signs and symbols as they no longer need them.

So, I decided if I was going to try to learn sign language to augment Jude’s and my communication, then I was going to learn and teach him British Sign Language.

Fun fact, the UK Government did a consultation for a General Certificate of Secondary Education (GCSE) in British Sign Language and plan on teaching BSL in schools from September 2025.

Learn C# and Unity

Not on my list.

Last year I had basically prototyped most of my favourite parts of Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag, plus some other bits.

After spending a couple of more months on it, I now have another rough prototype.

Turn up the volume if you want the rough sound effects.

“Are you just making Sea of Thieves, Carlos?”

Good question random internet stranger. No, this actually won’t have any multiplayer at all.

I have something similar to a design document where I’m keeping all my notes and what I think this game could be, should be, and most importantly won’t be, not that it couldn’t, but because I have no interest in, for example, making a multiplayer game.

Right now, that document is much too ambitious because I don’t know how to do any of it, but… but, the core idea, makes me really excited and I wish it was a game. But it isn’t, so maybe I need to make it, to scratch my own massive itch.

Wanna join forces?

Professional

This year, my professional focus was to build more on the Reboot and stay as a Product Designer at Redgate.

Stay at Redgate

Last year I joined Redgate so recently that I was still evaluating if they were the right fit for someone who needs direct, literal and detailed communication.

Now, 18 months later I can safely say that some Redgaters are absolutely amazing and I love working alongside them.

Others, especially my former (they’ve now left Redgate) line manager, [REDACTED] is a donkey turd who remained wilfully ignorant or maliciously compliant with vague and unaccountable communication from the very first day we met.

I kept daily notes from the first three months, and day 1 reads: “I think [REDACTED] is my line manager but they’re not very communicative so far.”

This impression would not change dramatically as time went by.

I remember a run-through for a quarterly research reading where my brain just ground to a halt—as it sometimes does—to the point where I stopped speaking and apologised for being unable to continue with the presentation, and whilst coworkers checked in on me, my donkey turd did not.

Run “The Accessibility Clinic” workshop

Not on my list.

When it suggested that I share some of my 15 years of accessibility experience at Redgate’s internal Tech 2023 Level Up Conference, I was hesitant at first.

It’s been a while since I’ve done any public speaking and I think I’ve gotten quite rusty since.

I also tend to prepare a lot, and it’s not always practical to spend as much time as I do for someone who isn’t getting paid to speak—although this being an internal learning conference I just realised I suppose technically I was being paid to be there—winning!

After some convincing from other coworkers, I decided to give it a go.

Rather than a talk, I decided to hold The Accessibility Clinic, a practical, Bring Your Own Barriers (BYOB) workshop, where we inspect a piece of your current work (words, design or laptop with code) and address all of its accessibility barriers.

Really well-put-together material, I think the depth of knowledge there is better than we might currently have or that I have seen in accessibility discussions. […] I strongly suggest that you share the presentation more widely. Tushita Gupta, Head of Product Design at Redgate

There are already things I would do differently but I’m also grateful that people suggested I do it in the first place and it reminded me that I like speaking at conferences, even though they’re very high-energy-demanding events.

Build Photos and Books

In a misguided attempt to be ambitious, instead of reducing the scope for the Reboot of Forever, I added more shit to it.

Big mistake.

I’ve not done much at all on the Reboot this year, as evidenced by the lack of entries beginning with “Reboot:”.

It will take time, I always knew that. Did I think I’d be further along at this point? Yeah, probably. Am I disappointed in myself that I haven’t? Nah.

The process is as much the work as the result.

In hindsight

This year I’ve thought a lot about discipline. Katy kept talking about how disciplined I am and it made me think, “Am I?”

But I’m not sure I agree.

I’m not sure how much it is that I am disciplined, as it is that I owe a great debt and responsibility to Future Carlos. He’s relying on Present Carlos to make different and better choices.

I’m all he’s got.

The totality of my life can be summed up in how I choose to live this moment. And then the next moment when that unfolds.

You must be disciplined in thought, word, and deed. Consciously train yourself to do those things that are good for you. Iyanla Vanzant

And put into that perspective, some hard choices become obvious choices.

Maybe that looks like discipline sometimes.

Aside for that, I’m still working on finding joy, inviting it in when it shows up and just generally letting life’s joys surround my life, not just my grief.

Meanwhile, when it comes to languages, be it spoken, signed or as I’m whispering with rocks, I’m learning that I always need a practical use and daily context in which to practice.

What was your year like?

]]>
A Very Verdant Christmas https://carloseriksson.com/blog/2023/a-very-verdant-christmas 2023-12-18T08:30:00+00:00 In which I make the annual Christmas card and manage to get everyone’s feet in it.

]]>
Unlike last year—knock on wood—we’ve managed to avoid any illnesses that would prevent us from travelling.

So by this time tomorrow, we’ll already be on the plane heading for Finland to celebrate Christmas with friends and family.

The last time we had got together for the holidays was in 2018 so we’re really fucking excited to sleep in rooms that drop to 10°C at night—my mom has promised to turn the heating on a little bit so we should be okay.

A forest of trees made from our green-coloured footprints. Jude's foot is dressed as a Christmas tree with baubles and tinsel hastily drawn using metallic pens.

Katy, Jude, Lucien and I wish you a very verdant Christmas and a Happy New Year!

]]>
The End of the Vitruvian Man https://carloseriksson.com/blog/2023/the-end-of-the-vitruvian-man 2023-11-27T21:00:00+00:00 In which I stop measuring my Venn diagram of physical, mental and social well-being through very shallow lenses.

]]>
You can read the previous well-being reviews in, The Vitruvian Man, The Vitruvian Man Returns, Revenge of the Vitruvian Man, and The Vitruvian Man Strikes Back

In last year’s entry, I talked about how I was still doing all these things because they were working and how I would stop when they didn’t—back then I had already stopped one of them.

The point of the Vitruvian Man series was always to review the year that had passed around Feb-March time—because it takes a while to sort through the data—and then course-correct for the coming year.

And although I started the review process like I always did, this time I got stuck. So stuck in fact, that I couldn’t unstick myself.

So here we are, end of November.

It’s fair to say, this is the end of the Vitruvian Man series, at least in its current form.

But before we go, I want to take a moment to review 2022 and most of 2023 to look at what worked well, what didn’t work well, think about why it stopped being useful, and what I would do differently if I did it again.

The well-being questions

Am I physically active?

Great question. Too bad I only measured “walking” as an indicator of physical activity.

As my circumstances changed, from commuting to the office in Cambridge to working remotely to parenting a toddler and working remotely, it’s obvious my walking would change with it.

But another set of compounding circumstances that changed in 2022 that I haven’t talked about yet, is finding myself sicker and needing more rest than I usually do.

Now, I’m not going to diagnose myself with Long COVID—although self-diagnosis for many people is valid and sometimes necessary with contemporary doctors and their biases.

What I will do, is talk about the number of days I’ve been sick since 2018.

Year Sick days
2018 16
2019 13
2020 1
2021 9
2022 37
2023* 45

*Up until 27 November 2023.

Note: migraine days do not count as sick days.

I’ve been more sick than I used to be and it’s taking me longer to recover. This, alongside the lack of situational walking, has been a detriment to my physical activity in 2022.

Another interesting note is that in October I removed my Fitbit and haven’t worn it since. So my actual walking data for 2022 is a composite of Fitbit’s and Google’s Location History.

I removed the Fitbit because it was uncomfortable and I was finding it increasingly useless.

Having said all this, let’s look at the walking data anyway, including a projection for 2023.

Year Steps (avg) Steps (total)
2019 12,266 4,476,992
2020 10,685 3,901,561
2021 8,900 3,248,597
2022 10,471 3,821,894
2023* 9,303 3,395,534

*Up until 27 November 2023.

In conclusion, I was sick and still walked a perfectly decent amount.

So, I’m no longer measuring this, because even during less-than-ideal circumstances I still move around as much as my energy levels let me.

Do I have mature mechanisms for coping with life’s ups and downs?

Another great question—yes, there’s already a theme emerging here.

Effectively my approach here has been: measuring my day-to-day well-being (via Daylio) and researching methods for giving more direction to my long-term goals.

In June 2020 I said I expanded my scale from 5 to 10 moods.

I then realised in 2022—when the Maths wasn’t mathing—that I hadn’t actually increased it from five to ten, but instead from five to nine.

So, I fixed that and gave myself more nuance at the bottom tier.

But, rather than look at a breakdown of each mood, I want to look at my mood from one year to the next and more specifically, reflect on how stable it overall is.

Edit 10.12.2023: Updated to reflect new scale. 1 is lowest, 10 is highest.

Year Mood (avg)
2018 7.98
2019 8.44
2020 8.5
2021 8.64
2022 8.22

And then looking at the upper-tier days, I can see that most of my days are pretty good.

Year Upper-tier days
2018 296
2019 331
2020 331
2021 351
2022 341

This is all fine, but in reality, it answers the question, “How are you feeling Carlos?”

And that isn’t the question I’ve been asking myself.

It’s, “When shit hits the fan, how do you handle it?” And following that, “Do you handle it maturely?”

Whatever the fuck I mean by “maturely”.

And the answer to those questions hasn’t been a consistent Yes or No, or even a Maybe but rather an emerging mess of me figuring out my Needs and Wants, figuring out how much of it comes from patriarchy filling my head with bullshit entitlement, figuring out who (usually me) really ought to be meeting them, how I communicate it to that person (even when it’s me).

Carlos Eriksson illustrated as a Disney character who was posing as Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man but he's fallen down.
Aiutatemi, sono caduto e non riesco ad alzarmi.

What do I do when my valid Wants can only be met by someone who isn’t me, but no one is available? Do I just crumble into a sack of shit? Do I press an imaginary, “Save for later” button?

I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned here is that I owe it to myself to plant and nurture a growing garden of plants to draw from when the moment arises that needs a certain concoction or remedy—yes, I’m going for a gardening metaphor instead of a toolbox.

In the past, my garden was small, and wild and would sometimes work against me because some of the plants were given to me by someone else at a young age and should have been in their garden, not mine.

Thinking of it as a garden lets me move from a reactive moment-to-moment mindset to a longer-term mindset, where I instead can appreciate plants that haven’t sprouted yet—knowing they will—and unearth and discard those plants that never should have been mine in the first place.

It becomes an organic, unravelling that has no end and no beginning but instead seasons—yeah, going to milk this metaphor until it’s no longer useful.

Going back to the question, I think the answer is, “More now than I used to, and not as many as I’ll have a year from now.”

And perhaps most importantly, I’m happy with that for now.

Do I enjoy fulfilling relationships?

This is such a big question.

“Relationships, sure but fulfilling? Are they supposed to be that as well? Jesus!”

For quite a while: I focused on loving myself. On being present for the beautiful nuances of the relationships I already had and nurturing them. On standing my ground for the bullshit relationships.

In, You’ll Be Okay I used more labels than ever before to describe myself, and felt a wave of relief wash over me as I pressed publish.

Self-acceptance, it’s a hell of a drug—I highly recommend it!

Some of my relationships are not quite where I would want them to be, not necessarily because of anything the other person is doing, or not doing but rather because I’m not always being the person I want to be.

The next step after accepting myself, would be presenting that authentic self to other people so they can know me better and decide if they want some more of this shit “stuff called Carlos”.

Do I enjoy a healthy weight?

I had already retired this question last year and instead changed my focus towards shifting the miscalibrated image of myself.

For a malnourished guy who used to weigh ~58 kg, I’m incredibly pleased with peaking at 78.2 kg on 31 May 2021.

Since then my weight has stabilised at 71±2.5 kg.

A better question might be, “Are you hampered by your weight?”

Because in the past, I would have said, “Yes, I struggle walking when it’s too windy.”

“Yes, I can’t breathe easily when I lie on my back.”

Both answers which have changed since I built some muscles and put on some weight.

Turns out, you’re supposed to be able to breathe when lying on your back! Who knew!?

I didn’t, that’s who.

Bonus; Am I learning?

I’ve already held myself accountable to my intentions when I looked at What I Read in 2021, and when I posted the summarised results from 2022 on Instagram.

I’m learning, that’s almost a given.

Which is why the focus has been on, “Yeah, but from whom?”

As I’ve talked about before, “Literature is overrepresented by white male authors from Europe or North America.”

So, what can I do?

Well, I can develop mechanisms to balance this in favour of a more nuanced reading habit from underrepresented authors.

I can continue increasing the representation.

I can trust the research from Dr Moya Bailey and Dr Izetta Autumn Mobley, Work in the Intersections: A Black Feminist Disability Framework, to act as the scaffolding I’ve jury-rigged for examining my reading habits.

I can continue to examine if this framework and its demographic groupings are meaningful ways of holding myself accountable because they might not be, especially the way I’m using them—they’re a hell of a lot better than anything else I’ve got though.

But.

I don’t really need the Vitruvian Man series to do that anymore.

All the questions I haven’t been asking myself

At first, I accepted the Harvard longitudinal study and their questions.

But it didn’t take long before I started wondering why these exact questions and not others. Why these frequencies and not others?

Why these white guys from wealthy backgrounds and not others?

Oh, what’s that? Our old friend White Supremacist Capitalist Colonialist Ableist Patriarchal structures and culture concealed as “the universal experience” again?

You cheeky bastard you.

So, I tried approaching a new set of questions from a perspective that didn’t already assume a specific kind of starting condition.

I’m still glaringly white, so some shit still applies.

But, for one thing, I have chronic pain and that’s definitely not part of the perceived universal experience.

I also thought about the temporality of these questions. Have I been physically active consistently recently? Have I stopped being physically active recently? Details like these matter because life is lived in the details, not in the abstract of a study.

I also thought about the complexities that some of these questions raise. My answer might be, “No,” and I might not have the agency or means to change that answer. Then what?

In fact, every question should be followed by, “Do you have the agency and means to change it?”

So, here’s the updated questions I came up with, for now:

  • Are you physically active?
  • Do you have mature mechanisms for coping with life’s ups and downs?
  • Do you enjoy fulfilling relationships?
  • Are you hampered by your weight?
  • Are you learning?
  • Do you sleep enough?
  • Are you eating balanced meals and snacks?
  • Do you love yourself?
  • Does your life feel meaningful?
  • Does societal systems give you special advantages?
  • Do you have wealth?
  • Do you get moderate sun exposure?
  • Is your bodymind at ease?

As you can see, they all raise more questions than they answer, like, “What’s enough sleep?”

Most of the answers start at, “it depends”. For me, 7.5 h seems great when I get deep sleep but usually I don’t so when I’m lucky it’s longer but shittier.

Your mileage will vary.

Take whatever is useful, and discard the rest.


So there you have it, this is the end of the Vitruvian Man series, at least in its current form.

I obviously I have plenty more work to do but I think applause is in order—I’m applauding myself, you don’t have to—because I’ve come far since I wrote Managing My Motherfucking Moods five years ago.

👏🏼

I’m going to continue to take care of myself so that I can better take care of people in my life, hell, even strangers I meet because why the fuck not?

]]>
You’ll Be Okay https://carloseriksson.com/blog/2023/youll-be-okay 2023-11-19T21:40:00+00:00 In which Past-Present-Future-Carlos fold into a brief moment and reassure each other that they will be okay.

]]>
Next year you’ll be 40 years old.

It’s a milestone many people celebrate.

You haven’t decided if you will.

That’s okay.

If you had asked 15-year-old-Carlos what life would look like approaching 40, he couldn’t have been able to imagine it. In fact, for a long time, he was sure you would be dead by 32—Why? Who knows? Because it was more than twice the age he was back then.

As part of putting your memories in an order that makes sense, in an order that lets you be the storyteller again, you often end up thinking about the conversations you wish you had been able to have with your 15-year-old self.

What would you talk about? What would you reassure him of?

Would you tell him it gets easier?


You’ll hate labels because they’ll always be more for the benefit of other people. For putting you in boxes that are too small.

But hating labels means you miss how useful they are for giving you anchor points from which to build a life that doesn’t require those labels.

Carlos Eriksson as a Disney character holding the LGBTQIA+ flag, surrounded by colourful silhouettes.
Some labels aren’t so bad.

No, you won’t die alone, unloved. You’ll find love in abundance. You’ll be loved. You’ll receive love. You’ll give it indiscriminately.

A little bit too indiscriminately for a while but then you’ll get better at being able to tell who is capable of holding that love with tenderness.

You’ll survive, despite your best efforts not to.

You’re polyamorous, don’t pretend otherwise, you’ll only hurt others and delay your own living.

Remember, for some people, you’re the first date they have in a very long time. Don’t waste their time, or your own.

You’re queer: non-binary and pansexual if we’re going to be specific, and we are going to be specific. But don’t worry, embrace these words until they no longer scare you. Eschew them once they’re no longer useful to you.

Remember, some people are in different places on their journey with these labels. Let them.

You’ll ultimately want to practice relationship anarchy with all your relationships. Some will find it too overwhelming, forgive them and move on.

It’s okay.

You’ll have chronic pain.

You’ll have brain damage. You can’t change this anymore but you learn to live with the ebbs and flows. You develop decent coping mechanisms for a feeling that can best be described as “temporally displaced”.

But you learn to speak from the scars with such warmth and it’s a wonderful gift you can give to yourself and others.

Remember to speak from the scar, not the wound. Dr. Autumn Asher BlackDeer

You’ll have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but you’re still scared of admitting that. You’ll figure it out.

You’ll meet people who understand you without you having to try so fucking hard all the time. This would be a good moment to give love indiscriminately, nudge nudge, wink wink.

You’ll find stillness again. Places and moments for calmness for your mind and soul.

And you’ll find it, everywhere.

Sometimes it’s hiding in the reckless speed the toddler runs into your arms. Sometimes it’s how someone plays with your ear lobes. Sometimes, it’s just how the heat of the sun hits your unadorned face on a brisk November morning.

It gets so much easier.

And so much better.

And you keep working through your shit.

Sure, some days you think that life would be so much easier if you were a straight white guy who loved sports. Or some shit like that.

But you know it wouldn’t be.

But you’ll be okay.

You’re okay.

]]>
Shortcomings of Starfield https://carloseriksson.com/blog/2023/shortcomings-of-starfield 2023-09-19T13:01:00+00:00 In which I try to contain my boredom about Bethesda’s Starfield.

]]>
I’ve played Fallout 4 for over 113 hours (6,808 minutes). And although I don’t have a similar data point to compare for Fallout 3—judging by the number of achievements I’ve unlocked when compared with Fallout 4, I can safely say I’ve spent even more time in Fallout 3.

Meanwhile, I’ve spent 30 hours in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and I didn’t even like that game.

The point I’m trying to make here is that I play Bethesda games, perhaps not as much as some people, but definitely enough to warrant having opinions on the internet.

And before you say anything, let me reassure you that I could not care less about your opinion.

Just like you, probably, don’t give a shit about mine either.

So let’s coexist harmoniously indifferent to each other—there’s a reason this website hasn’t had a comment section since 2014.

Anyway.

I think two hours is enough time to get into anything.

After 118 minutes with Starfield, that means I still have to put in another 2 minutes to meet my own standards.

But you know what?

I might not.

Because I am so bored.

Starfield wallpaper.
To infinity and wherever.

Between bland cardboard combat and loading screens interspersed with tiny-text UI screens, I don’t really know where the game is.

Like, seriously, where’s Starfield?

It’s really hard to not compare it to No Man’s Sky (NMS)—which I put about 42 hours into before I stopped.

In defence of Starfield, No Man’s Sky is on its 37th update, an ongoing effort for seven years where Hello Games have worked hard to recover from an abysmal initial release.

And I didn’t play No Man’s Sky when it first came out either, waiting until four years later to pick it up.

So, perhaps I’m too hasty, perhaps, I need to wait like I did for NMS.

Perhaps, given four years, Starfield will become what Todd Howard already imagines it to be. Because today, it isn’t.

You know what, let’s do just that.

Expect this entry to receive an update in four years.

]]>
Screenshot Sunday https://carloseriksson.com/blog/2023/screenshot-sunday 2023-08-27T12:59:00+00:00 In which I let you know that I’m still alive, and what I’ve been doing lately.

]]>
This blog most definitely isn’t dead, despite it being quiet.

My attention has been elsewhere—parenting a toddler.

And in the downtimes of parenting, I’ve also had recurring colds etc., that have needed strong antibiotics, so there’s also been that.

Yay me!

And in the little downtimes between parenting and man-dying, I’ve been learning C Sharp and Unity, and toying around with a prototype because I have an itch, an itch to be a pirate…

EDIT, 19 September 202: I’ve paused all development in Unity. I had only started learning and with the recent actions from Unity’s greedy CEO John Riccitiello it’s become clear that I should keep all my options open and review other engines such as Godot and Unreal before any actual development begins. I’m lucky in that I’m not locked into Unity in any way.

EDIT, 25 September 2023: Unity has now back-pedaled in a way which makes me think this outcome was always the actual plan. I remain vigilant about their behaviour and I’ll be reviewing my options.

Screenshot from a work in progress video game depicting a ship firing cannons at another ship.
This is much too ambitous, as always.

Consider this screenshot a work-in-progress-might-not-become-anything-but-we’ll-see.

]]>
Fervent For Fable https://carloseriksson.com/blog/2023/fervent-for-fable 2023-06-15T20:59:00+00:00 In which I try to contain my excitment about the upcoming reboot of Fable.

]]>
From creating my own Fable-inspired trousers back in 2010, to actually printing my own copies of the Fate Cards that came with the Fable II Press Release edition that never made it into retail due to production problems—I have always been a huge fan of the Fable series.

And also thoroughly disappointed by Fable III.

It’s not an understatement to say that I’ve been waiting for this moment since 7 March 2016, when Microsoft announced the cancellation of Fable Legends and the then-proposed closure of Lionhead Studios.

Sure we’ve had comments like, “a lot of places it [the franchise] could go”, and leaked videos but these don’t say, “we mean business” like an official trailer.

Then again, we did get an official blahdey blah for Fable Legends and that still got cancelled.

But with a healthy dose of scepticism, we’re finally here.

Cue the trailer.

How are we all feeling?

Now, the internet being the internet, there are already whiny man-babies complaining about the gender representation of the main character and the historical accuracy of spectacles.

We’ll be ignoring their bullshit today though, as it doesn’t warrant any of our time or attention.

Instead, we’re going to look at the things that I think make an action role-playing game worthy of the legacy and title of Fable.

And then we’ll simply wait to actually play the actual game, to you know, actually make the judgement about whether it is those things or not.

Full disclaimer: No one gives a shit what I think so I don’t expect these opinions to actually be reflected in the released game. It’s almost 20 years since the first game was released. Whatever memories I have are tinted by nostalgia, being in a drunken haze, or both.

Disclaimer done, here are the top five things I self-indulgently hope the new Fable game does.

Humour

The Brits have an almost unique self-deprecating and dry sense of humour. As a Finn, it’s a humour I have always loved.

From silly talking doors to kicked chickens, it never takes itself too seriously.

I could hear a villager shouting “wanker” after our hero in the trailer so that’s promising and I hope Titles make a return so that I can once again become the legendary Chicken Chaser.

Carlos Eriksson drawn as a cartoon version of the Fable character kicking a chicken.
Once a chicken chaser, always a chicken chaser.

Music

Danny Elfman is the composer for the original intro theme and sets an unmistakable mood. But the man who deserves even more credit is Russel Shaw for maintaining that mood through multiple games.

From Witchwood and Oakvale to Bowerstone, each area had its character and consequent melody and to this day I still listen to all of them.

And I love the soundtracks for all the previous games. Even the cancelled Fable Legends has its title theme on Spotify and it’s fucking lovely.

Character morphing

Although Molyneux’s hype, “plant an acorn, later a tree will grow” was never realised in any of the games, the idea that your choices had an impact was executed in the physical appearance of your character and the way that it morphed as a result of your choices.

Instead of letting you shape your character through a UI, diegetic or otherwise, your choices in the game dictated how you looked and evolved—and I loved it.

Continuing the character morphing, give me more nuanced choices in terms of morality by making it a matrix instead of a binary, please.

Wooing

Carrying on the time-honoured tradition of previous Fable games, I would like to be able to woo and marry men or women, preferably in multiple locations—but who knows, maybe if they happen to follow me they find out about each other—oh no, the drama.

Give me some of that delicious drama of domestic life.

Better combat

This is a tricky one. Fable I’s combat was simplistic but worked well enough. Fable III tried making it more challenging but actually just ended up making it terrible.

In terms of close combat mechanics, if it was me—but it’s not haha—I would look to the Batman Arkham series and the Witcher series for inspiration.

Honestly, I’m not really sure here because I’m imagining something that doesn’t exist, no Fable game has had a great core combat loop—please fix this.


And those were my five things.

Going back to the trailer, I do have a complaint about—surprise surprise wanker!

I don’t understand the sandwich joke and thought our hero should have been eating a carrot instead—in keeping with the vegetable theme and as a nice reference to the golden carrots in Fable I.

Just picture it, we zoom out on that last shot to reveal that they are sitting on Dave’s glasses, holding a carrot. As they take a bite, the sound of its unmistakable crunch cuts to the Fable logo.

Eagerness level: 4 kicked chicken out of 5.

Honestly though, bring it on Playground Games, I look forward to trying Fable.

]]>