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In Memoriam: Swansong

№295 ~2 minutes

In which I, after many failed attempts, manage to record the song I wrote for Amanda.

This has been a long time coming.

I started writing Swansong on the day you died.

Back then I didn’t imagine I’d actually ever play it, let alone record it. I simply had to write something.

I had to put my emotions into words.

Truth be told, I didn’t remember that I had started writing it on the same day. I only discovered that whilst looking through my notes.

It took months before I could write the entry about your death.

The song was already finished at that point but I couldn’t get through it enough to play it. It wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready.

I don’t know if I’m ready now either but something changed recently, something shifted. It wasn’t just that I was able to get through it. It’s like the song itself had changed.

Become complete.

I suppose part of dealing with loss and grief, is moving on with life.

Like we had promised you we would.

Or rather, joining the living again. As life tends to move on whether you’re behind the steering wheel or not.

Sometimes, we need that break from life though. That respite from the agony of breathing.

Sometimes, we need to recognise that we’re stuck in a moment that’s gone. Stuck repeating the last words that left our lips. Just stuck.

And when that happens, something needs to change. We need to change, to get behind that steering wheel again and remember what it was like driving our live, instead of being a passenger.

Even though it’s tough.

You would be happy to know that I’m moving on.

That we’re moving on.

One day at a time.

That life continues, even after you’re gone.

Not a day goes by when I don’t miss you, or think about you. Every aspect of my life has changed now that you’re gone, but maybe that’s okay?

Maybe it’s okay that I take this new feeling, your new presence, with me into the future?

I still want your death to have as much of a positive impact, as your life did.

And by allowing you to live on in those little moments were your impact resonates through time and space, then you will.

You will have a profound positive impact on my life.

It’s the least I can do.

This song is for you Amanda.

I hope you’ll like it.

I Trained, I Ran, I Puked

In Memoriam: Amanda

That Place between Sleep and Awake

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