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Let the Barbecue Season Begin

№126 ~6 minutes

In which I talk about barbecuing as if I was doing a radio broadcast with music and all.

In my defence, the weather was awesome. I had to go and buy a disposable barbecue and make tonight’s dinner on it. I just couldn’t resist any more. But nobody wants to read about what I ate. Unless I ate something like the endangered Tonkin Snub-nosed Monkey in which case I suppose that would actually be interesting. But eating endangered animals aside, nobody wants to read about what I ate so I figured I have to make it interesting.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is; “Here’s what I ate… in radio broadcasting form”. Now I would appreciate it if you would honour my Youtube links and listen to them when they appear in the text, okay? Excellent, here we go.

[radio static]

You’re listening to radio 770 AM, tune in to enjoy all the latest chatter from your favourite DJ’s, such as DJ Carlos, MC Carlos and also… Carlos. Coming up next, we’ve got Ratt with Lovin’ You’s a Dirty Job but first… the weather with — you guessed it — Carlos.

Hey folks, Carlos here and I am pleased to report that we’re experiencing a Sunny 19°C with a very gentle breeze coming in from south-west. Not a cloud in sight and no rain to speak of with wind only increasing to a moderate breeze towards the evening. In short, this is the kind of weather you start a barbecue season with, which is why I am standing here with Carlos, last years winner and reigning champion of the barbecuing super-event Que-Your-Barbie.

Carlos, I’m sure I speak for everyone here when I ask you “Why?”. Why retire from the championship with so many years of good barbecuing left in you?

Well, of course it wasn’t an easy decision but I wanted to let younger talents have the opportunity to shine and I knew that my participation would make that much more difficult for those young whipper-snappers. That and I wanted to spend more time with my son, teaching him about barbecuing but also just hanging out. Besides, stepping down from competing has given me the opportunity to instead act as one of the judges at this years Que-Your-Barbie which is something I’m quite looking forward to.

Fire spewing out from a tiny single-use barbecue, the kind you can buy at the gas station.

Well folks, there you have it. Wise words from the still reigning — for another 6 weeks — champion. Carlos, back to you in studio.

Thank you Carlos. We’ll be back with Carlos, to talk about the dos and don’ts of barbecuing but first, it’s Ratt with Lovin’ You’s a Dirty Job…

That was Ratt with Lovin’ You’s a Dirty Job, their first single from the 1990 album Detonator. Before we go back to Carlos and the dos and don’ts of barbecuing, let’s listen to this other gem from the same year, Civil War by Guns N’ Roses.

Civil War by Guns N’ Roses is still one of my favourite songs of all time. It’s just such a great song. But before I get all sentimental and start crying live on air let’s just go over to Carlos, who is out in the field with none other than Carlos, reigning champion of Que-Your-Barbie, THE barbecuing event of the year. Carlos, over to you.

Thank you Carlos. Yes folks, I am standing here with Carlos, reigning — four year running — champion of Que-Your-Barbie, who is going to share with us some of his go-to advice for mastering the grill as this year’s Barbecue season begins. So, Carlos, what’s the first piece of advice you have for us? As an amateur, what is the first thing I should think about?

Well… the first advice I would give is; Don’t flatten. I been able to spot an amateur a mile away by their insistence of flattening their burgers, steaks and chops. Don’t do it. All you’re doing is pressing out all those juicy flavours. Let’s keep them inside instead, okay? Secondly, if you’re really serious about your barbecuing, get two sets of tools. One for your raw meats and one for grilled meat. Nothing ruins a backyard barbecue party like diarrhea and intestinal worms.

Also, sticking your face in the hot coal is generally considered a “bad idea”.

Three very good pieces of advice there Carlos. So, I’m looking at what you’re barbecuing right now but I can’t figure out what it is. What are you barbecuing there?

Fresh chicken breast. Stuffed with Emmental Cheese. Wrapped in Streaky Bacon.

That… sounds… amazing. I love all our folks out there but I think we’re going to have to cut back to Carlos in the studio now, so I can maybe… you know? Have a taste and see if I approve of the champions Hunter’s Chicken.

The barbecued chicken breasts looking delicious.

Carlos? Carlos?! God damn it. It seems we are experiencing some “technical” difficulties with our man in the field. Needless to say the barbecue season has begun. Stay tuned dear listeners whilst we try to figure this out and in the meantime why don’t you enjoy these fine tunes from another one of favourites from the 90s. Though you might be surprised to find out that this song was originally released in 1987 but a re-release in early 1990 saw it peak the charts another time. I’m of course talking about Aerosmith and their Dude Looks Like a Lady.

Disclaimer. Carlos is not the champion of Que-Your-Barbie. Sadly, Que-Your-Barbie is not actually a thing but damn I wish it was. He has very little barbecuing experience and his advice should be taken with a grain — more like a fistful — of salt. Whilst he made efforts to research barbecuing before giving any advice, he also got bored and really only read tips from this one website. So, you know… follow his advice or don’t but he doesn’t want to be responsible for any degrees of burns you might acquire. Be careful and responsible. But most of all, let the barbecuing begin.

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To Burger or Not to Burger

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