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Tales from the Archive, Part II

№300 ~7 minutes

In which I finish migrating all the remaining entries between 2010–2013 and cull most of them because they’re so terrible.

After a few arduous weekends I’ve finally managed to migrate my entries from my old blog.

The process, which has been quite cathartic, has given me an opportunity to look at all the different entries I’ve written over the years.

It hardly came as a surprise to see that many of them were utter shaite. Pointless garbage only contributing to the increasing noise that is the web. So whilst I had initially migrated every single entry from 2009, I realised that in actuality I didn’t want my blog to be filled with noise.

So I went back through 2009 and removed all the ones that were pointless non sequiturs, videos for the sake it and narcissistic promotions to vote for shit like a random bikini I had designed.

I still wanted to keep that sense of progression I have done over the years, both in terms of quality of content and the writing itself. Which is why I’ve kept some entries that could be regarded as shit. They give me a sense of the passing of time and I like that.

This entry is technically #539 but because of this culling process, this one becomes #300. Should I ever introduce a numbering system, this will be reasons why it might not make sense at first glance. Because obviously I’ll still count all the entries that gave been killed off.

Don’t worry, you’re genuinely not missing any content worth your time.

And for the sake of transparency and because I thought it would be interesting, let’s look at how many poo entries I ended up deleting in the migration process.

2009

16 entries out of 33 made it through.

Poop rating
Poo rating, 52%

Almost half the entries made it through, that’s a lot better than my original 83%—which let’s be honest, was just a number I made up anyway.

I’ve spared you from terribly embarrasing entries such as Fucking with Blue Teeth, where I complain about my Bluetooth not working and ramble about a unicorn named Charlie and So Far So Good, where I try polyphasic sleeping and nap during the day.

On the other hand, better entries include; creating sculpted dolls, a horrible bucket list, performing covers and my own material at Night of Arts, getting a third tattoo and designing an T-shirt for Xbox.com.

But my favourite entry has got to be one of my live performances from Night of Arts, specifically Part III & IV, “Into The Night” And “Made of Glass”.

See all the entries from 2009.

2010

19 entries out of 83 made it through.

Poop rating
Poo rating, 77%

This truly was a terrible year. So few of so many made it through. Consider yourself spared from reading shit entries such as Bikini Bitches!, where I promote a random bikini I’ve designed and A Single Joke, where I tell the horrible, “What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?” joke.

The few entries that weren’t shit include; playing Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun Firestorm, conducting an embarrassing interview with myself, pretending I had a shot at playing Romeo in Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet and continuing the work on my board game Island of Eternity.

But my favourite entry is P-P-P-Poker Table, where I design and build an octagonal poker table out of birch and European pruce.

See all the entries from 2010.

2011

37 entries out of 96 made it through.

Poop rating
Poo rating, 61%

Thankfully the quality increases as the quantity does—it’s a numbers game innit? Sadly though, the majority of entries are still shit such as Unvenomous Snakes?, where I call my old drip brewer, “The Diarrhea Machine,” and Gone Fishing, where I go fishing with Beije and replace all the photos of his face with Ted Bundy’s face.

Entries that were a little less focused on bowel-movements include; designing and selling my own series of T-shirts, getting obsessed with drinking fresh coffee, recording my original song My Undying Love For You Will Never Decompose (But My Body Might), revealing the next, brand-spanking new version of our NHL statistics tracking tool and auditioning for the reality television-music competition Idols.

But my favourite entry is The Luckiest F.O.B in the World(s), where Rebecka and I get married.

See all the entries from 2011.

2012

38 entries out of 97 made it through.

Poop rating
Poo rating, 61%

I had no choice but to remove entries such as It Went Down On Me, where my website is down so I take the opportunity to promote Halo 4 and Friday Boob Video, where I post a video ranting about the stupidity of a game which genuinely has an achievement for staring at breasts.

Entries worthy of your time include; rethinking the ranking symbols used on weplaynhl.com, flying to the UK to attend job interviews, packing a bag each and moving the UK, recording some covers and some songs of my own, getting a place to call home in the UK, how I stopped smoking and starting a mult-part short story.

But my favourite entry is Anomalous Atmospheric Conditions, where I take a humour look at the weather differences between Finland and the UK.

See all the entries from 2012.

2013

66 entries out of 106 made it through.

Poop rating
Poo rating, 38%

And finally we come to 2013, where I finally manage to get the quality up so much so that there’s more good entries, than bad entries.

But there were still some bad eggs which needed to be culled, such as The Pill To Lower Your IQ Permanently, where I post a video a hilariously tongue-in-cheek video called MinusIQ and The Weavers Of Nightmares, where I find manufactured vinyl dolls that resemble human babies.

Less creepy entries include; recounting my failures playing Hitman: Absolution, re-imagining my avatar as Hanna-Barbera character, getting way too invested in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, releasing a game called Monorun!, folding some amazing paper planes, realising that I can’t tell the difference between Coca-Cola and Pepsi, drinking the world’s strongest coffee and determining which mince pies are the best

But my favourite entry is A Rainy Night on Drury Lane, Part VII — A White Blanket of Forgiveness, where I finally finish the multi-part short story I started the year before.

See all the entries from 2013.


And that’s it. I’ve finally migrated all the worthwhile entries from my old blog to this new one. From now on, everything will be in one place, allowing me full control over my brand, my content and my website.

I can experiment to my hearts content, trying out different ideas that may or may not work at all. And I’m pretty excited about it.

Explore more

There are 17 more entries from 2017. See all the entries.