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The Epic Rivalry Continues

Entertainment

№199 ~10 minutes

    Barely in time for this year’s Eurovision Song Contest I get off my high horse to judge what I barely understand.

    I never remember what a pain in the ass it is to listen to 37 songs, many of which are in languages I don’t understand at all, making it “incomprehensible gibberish set to weird ethnic music” most of the time. But these are the things I do because I love you, dear readers.

    And given that I made up a rivalry between Finland and the UK last year I suppose it’s only fair that I look into how that rivalry is going this year.

    First things first though, let’s take a look at my top 10 for this year’s Eurovision Song Contest 2014.

    In 10th place comes.

    Armenia

    Aram MP3 with his Not Alone gets Armenia 1 point from me in what will be the first on many, many ballads, because this year seems to be the Year of the Ballad. Repetitive lyrics redeemed by a nice contrast between slow piano and a dubstep breakdown.

    Illustration of Armenia receiving 1 point
    The One with slow piano and dubstep.

    Montenegro

    Even though I have no idea what this song is about—it could be about passionately beating midgets for money, for all I know—I really like it and unlike some other ballads this year it manages to pull a bit at my heart strings and I believe it. 2 points to Sergej Ćetković and his Moj Svijet.

    Illustration of Montenegro receiving 2 points
    The One I don’t understand a word of.

    France

    Okay. This is nonsensical bullshit, right? This song doesn’t actually mean anything does it? I want to have a moustache can’t be anything but a weird attempt at being funny. And well, funny it kind of is. More catchy than annoying but only barely earns France 3 points from me with Twin Twin and their Moustache.

    Illustration of France receiving 3 points
    The One with the Vanilla Ice reject.

    Greece

    What starts out as some weird rap that sounds like a Russian anthem quickly turns into a catchy—like herpes—club tune which probably has a better place in some night club were Ecstasy is more the norm than the exception. But I quite like Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd and their infectious Rise Up, so here’s 4 points to Greece.

    Illustration of Greece receiving 4 points
    The One with the STD.

    Ireland

    A nice and solid—which sounds more like I’m describing a poop—Eurovision tune with hints of Irish heritage, sung by Kasey Smith who has a lovely voice—not technically as good as some of the other contestants but that with one that speaks to me.

    Illustration of Ireland receiving 5 points
    The One with my favourite voice.

    Denmark

    This could have so easily been my favourite hate-song this if it hadn’t been for the obliviously self-aware song title putting this closer in the camp of parody songs than I was expecting. And as a parody song this one’s quite good. Catchy, hum-friendly but that whistling is enough to drive a man to homicide. Still, well played Denmark, here’s your 6 points for Bruno Mars Basim and his Cliché Love Song.

    Illustration of Denmark receiving 6 points
    The One with the annoying whistling.

    Finland

    Finland, wtf are you doing on the top 10 list? Shouldn’t you be sitting at the loser’s table with the Jemini and Piero?

    No?

    You’ve realised the error of your ways after years and years of sucking and decided to send a indie rock song á la Coldplay with a catchy good song that reeks nothing of Finland and your usual turds. Wow.

    Genuinly. Wow.

    I don’t know what else to say, Finland, here’s your 7 points thanks to Softengine and their Something Better, you’ve earned it.

    Illustration of Finland receiving 7 points
    The One with the uplifting indie rock song.

    And that concludes 10–7 which leaves us with the top 3. Who will it be? Is perhaps United Kingdom one of them?

    Spoiler Alert: They’re not.

    Which means this year’s victory in the rivalry between Finland and the UK the point goes to Finland, despite UK’s best efforts with their Molly Smitten-Downes and her Children of the Universe, it’s not enough against the mighty falsetto of Softengine. You’re getting better though, UK so don’t give up just yet.

    Illustration of Finland receiving a different point in the rivalry between Finland and the United Kingdom
    The One with a plague on both their houses.

    Just, you know, stop sending such shitty songs and then blame it all on politics and that nobody likes you.

    Meanwhile Finland has had been sucking for years and always known it’s because our songs are were shit.

    But enough about that, onwards with the competition.

    In third place:

    Slovenia

    Starts out in foreign gibberish—humorous take on Eurovision, remember?—but quickly turns to English for the chorus and second verse which I really like. This one manages to walk the thin line between embracing its own identity with something that could work internationally.

    Even the weird flute bits work and everything is held together by Tinkara, who does a wonderful job at switching between languages flawlessly—I’m looking at you Poland. Well done, Slovenia, here’s your 8 points for Tinkara Kovač and her Round And Round.

    Illustration of Slovenia receiving 8 points
    The One with a solid grasp of itself.

    In second place:

    Austria

    Instant goosebumps. This is the kind of voice that grabs a hold of an entire room and doesn’t let go until its done with you. With a distinct Bond vibe going on, my only concern is that this one feels a bit out of place in Eurovision because… well… it’s in a league of its own really.

    And whilst I feel almost obliged to make an obvious joke about the whole “man with beard” -thing I’m not going to. It’s too obvious and too important to be made light of.

    Hopefully—when all the morons holding us back have died—I can make jokes about, not just cross-dressers but also the entire LGBT community but until then, Conchita Wurst and her Rise Like A Phoenix gets a very serious and well earned 10 points.

    Illustration of Austria receiving 10 points
    The One in a league of its own.

    And before I reveal my choice for number one, the mythical, much sought-after Douze points, I thought I would show some of the songs that—for a variety of reasons–didn’t cut the mustard.

    Belarus

    I don’t want to be your cheesecake, the privileged white man says as he air humps his way around a woman who stands frozen in–what I assume is—fear. This is like the film, “When Sexist met Stupid” and contains such misheard—I hope—lyrical prose as I don’t wanna be your creepy hamster baby. Teo can take his Cheesecake and stick it back into Belarus and their prejudiced ass holes.

    Iceland

    Whilst I certainly agree with the message that we are all equal, I still hate the PTA-esque feeling I get from songs like Pollapönk and their multi-coloured No Prejudice. I’m sad to say that our passionate boat-beard love from last year seems to have reached its inevitable end.

    Poland

    Taking women’s rights back all the way to last week, comes the horrible contribution that is Poland. Seriously, shame on you, Donatan & Cleo and your My Słowianie.

    San Marino

    Poor San Marino, it would appear that they only have one talented artist in their entire country forcing them to send the same woman again. This time Valentina Monetta is singing Maybe. Last year it was Crisalide. I wonder what she’ll sing next year?

    Don’t get me wrong though, she’s not bad. But she isn’t overly good either with a bland forgettable song it just isn’t going to cut against the likes of Austria’s contribution.

    Ukraine

    With a weird hamster wheel on stage and a repetitive boring song by a woman who looks like she has taken stage advice from Kristen Stewart. This songs lacks passion and purpose. I’m sorry Ukraine, I know you’ve been having a rough time lately but Mariya Yaremchuk and the pointless Tick Tock gets no sympathy points from me.

    And penultimately, before I finally reveal my favourite in this year’s Eurovision, a song that didn’t make it to the top 10 but would have easily won the whole fucking thing had they played their cards a bit differently.

    Sweden

    Sweden has always been a solid contributor to Eurovision, they just seem to have a knack for this shit so it comes as no surprise that several bookmakers have placed Sanna Nielsen to win the whole competition. To which I thought, “Meh”, after hearing the song and then I accidentally stumbled on a version of Sanna Nielsen singing her Undo unplugged at a press conference.

    Holy… mother… of God.

    Is it too late for us to have babies together?

    Oh, you’re happily married?

    Oh right, so am I.

    Illustration of Sweden receiving The Special Mention award
    The One that gets the “Repeat Listen” award.

    If Sweden had done this rendition of it instead I would have gladly given them the Douze, heck, take all my points. Sanna Nielsen’s voice is hauntingly beautiful and cuts through the membrane of everyday life with a power I haven’t heard in quite a while. She could have easily handled this song without all the extra crap instruments.

    But Sweden didn’t go with this rendition and I didn’t go for their song so here we are, the final song.

    Drum roll, please.

    Macedonia FYR

    Whilst not the best song, I think this the best Eurovision song, which is still the premise by which I judge these. Solid and perfectly predictable in a good way—like a good poop—is why I’m awarding my 12 points to Tijana Dapčević and her To The Sky.

    Illustration of Macedonia FYR receiving 12 points
    The One that is the very definition of Eurovision.

    That’s it.

    Agree or disagree?

    Feel free to have an epic shit in a comment below about how stupid I am and how people like me—those who don’t take this seriously—shouldn’t be allowed to have opinions about the sanctity that is Eurovision Song Contest, or perhaps applaud me for standing up for what’s right and not voting for a good song but a good Eurovision song.

    The next entry comes out in 7 days.

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