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Zodiacs and Their True Meaning

№273
~6 minutes
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    In which we take a real close look at Zodiac signs, their meanings and most importantly, their true meaning.

    Zodiac signs are interesting things, aren’t they? Some people believe in them so much that they will defend them, tooth and nail, where others—like me—think it’s a massive load of nonsense.

    But let’s set all of our differences aside to take a closer look at the different Zodiac signs, their meaning and their true meaning.

    By true meaning I of course mean the stuff I made up. But let’s be honest, the shit I’ve made up is about as accurate and scientific as the shit astrologists make up.

    Enjoy!

    Aries

    What your horoscope says

    Enthusiastic and outgoing. As a fire sign, Aries are adventurous, independent and all about the action. At the same time, Aries are able to overcome challenges they are faced with.

    What it really means

    You’re a hot-headed idiot who runs face right into needlessly stupid and dangerous situations, often ignoring the sounds advise from your friends, if you have any. Yet somehow you manage to survive your own dumb assery, well done you.

    Taurus

    What your horoscope says

    Determined and sensual. Taureans can be mistaken as withdrawn or boring, when actually they are just cool & discreet. A typical Taurus enjoys life’s comforts.

    What it really means

    No, you really are withdrawn and boring. Secretly you hope people will mistake it for coolness. Spoiler alert, we don’t.

    You’re spoiled and enjoy having people serve you, lest you have to get of your spoiled ass and do something yourself.

    Gemini

    What your horoscope says

    Intense and explorative. As excellent communicators, Gemini also search out new experiences and lead unique lives.

    What it really means

    You never shut up. People do their best not to instigate you and your incessant jabbering but your lack of decorum makes you ramble on anyway.

    You can’t commit to anything and get bored and distracted too easily, which leads to you just dropping your responsibilities to pursue whatever whim you’re having at this particular moment.

    Cancer

    What your horoscope says

    Compassionate and contradictory. A true romantic, Cancerians have a changeable nature and can appear eccentric at one moment, and sensitive the next.

    What it really means

    What you think of as contradictory, other people see for what it really is, bi-polar disorder.

    But you’re not a special snowflake who just needs that special care. You’re a special snowflake who probably needs medication.

    Leo

    What your horoscope says

    Radiant and leader. Leos are the positive thinkers of the zodiac, as such people and opportunities are drawn to them; they are definitely leaders rather than followers.

    What it really means

    Radiant leader? More like raging ass hole.

    The line between a great leader and a massive ass hole is thin. This doesn’t concern you though as you’re so far away from the line that is might as well not exist.

    Leos are famous for running over people left and right to get what they want.

    Virgo

    What your horoscope says

    Caring and confident. This Earth sign is able to maintain faith, even when things go bad. Often creative, Virgo is generous and willing to support and care for those around them.

    What it really means

    Of all the Zodiac signs, none are as gullible and easily fooled as Virgos. It doesn’t matter what nonsense you make up, Virgos will find ways to convince themselves that it’s true in the most creative ways.

    Libra

    What your horoscope says

    Charming and harmonious. This “happy go lucky” sign seek peace, and often are successful at business.

    What it really means

    The sleazy used car salesman of the Zodiac signs, you would sell your own grandmother if it meant closing a deal. You think the too-tight polyester suit you wear brings out the best in you, but really it just brings out the unsightly bulges in your pants.

    Scorpio

    What your horoscope says

    Resilient and powerful. Scorpio are often passionate about love & power. There are 3 unique types of Scorpio, but they all are often said to be old souls and sensitive.

    What it really means

    You think you’re an, “old soul,” when actually you’re just old. And like an old and over-sensitive person that you are you complain about the smallest of things.

    There are 3 unique types of Scorpio; Those who complain about the noise, those who complain about the smell and those who complain about both. Which one are you?

    Sagittarius

    What your horoscope says

    Optimistic & Honest. Always aiming high, Sagittarians seek adventure & independence, whilst still being one of the zodiac’s most large hearted signs.

    What it really means

    You set unachievable standards for everyone around you and enforce them to the letter. The Finnish word, pilkunnussija—a more offensive version of nitpicker—comes to mind.

    Capricorn

    What your horoscope says

    Resilient and patient. Whether the ambitious goat, or the goat that is content in their own domain, Capricorns are goal achievers, whilst being reliable and sympathetic.

    What it really means

    You’re stubborn and resentful. Some people let things go and move on with their lives, but you’re not one of those people. Instead you hold on to the smallest grievance and keep a little journal where you write down all the insignificant little ways people have “wronged” you.

    Aquarius

    What your horoscope says

    Trendsetters and humanitarian. Although sometimes seen as eccentric, Aquarians are quick thinking, outgoing & loyal.

    What it really means

    You’re stinky and have no personal hygiene. Aquarius are quick thinkers indeed but unfortunately none of their thoughts are of any value.

    Pisces

    What your horoscope says

    Sensitive and mysterious. Pisces are often pulled in two directions, which sometimes causes confusion in their life and emotional periods. However, they are also very talented and resilient.

    What it really means

    You’re whiny and self-obsessed. Pisces are the most narcissist of all the Zodiac signs, pulling people in different directions as they can never decide what they want.

    So, how accurate is your Zodiac sign?

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