People are so going to know how awesome Corvo is when I come back from my journey. I mean sure I’m already the Lord Protector and shit, but now I’m going to get all the other isles to help us with this plague problem as well. I was going to have a scribe with me to document all my heroics but the Royal Spybastard Hiram—what kind of a name is Hiram anyway?—said there was no money in the budget for that, so I’m going to have to keep my own journal of what went down. You know? For when they make an epic movie about the awesome journey that saved Dunwall from the plague. Also, it’s not a diary but a journal—very important—diaries are for losers who smell like whale.
I think I’m going to have Emily read through it first as well, she thinks everything I do is the greatest thing in the world. Can’t say I blame her. I’m pretty awesome. I just finished eating some bread and a tin of Pratchett’s Jellied Eels and now I’m going to get ready to go.
So seasick. Stupid Dunwall and their stupid plague. I hate boats.
Tried eating some Potted Whale Meat today. Stupid whale meat wouldn’t stay down. Are we there yet?
Stupid isles with their stupid plague fears. Those meetings didn’t really go as well as I had hoped. I can’t wait to get back home so I can tell Jessamine about their stupid “for their safety” decisions. I know I’m going to be a couple of days early, so I hope Jessamine and Emily have managed to organise a party in my honour anyway. I still have this totally pointless letter to give to Jessamine. Hopefully we can have cake first. I hope I don’t have to see that douchebag Spybastard Hiram though. I really don’t get what his problem is but I can still remember his creepy grin as I left Dunwall. Way to be a partypooper dude.
Umm. So yeah. It’s been a “few days” since I wrote anything. A lot of stuff kind of happened on that day that I returned. The short version goes a little something like this. Jessamine is dead. Like stabbed to death, dead. And some weirdo assassins kidnapped Emily.
Longer version. I went to deliver the letter to Jessamine and “Boom!”, some weirdo assassins show up but I like totally kill them all. But then some more show up and one of them made me like float in the air with his hand and I can’t do anything. And then they stab Jessamine right in front of me, take Emily and “Poof!” they are gone.
Then get this! After they’re all gone, douchebag Spybastard Hiram—or Lord Assbent as he’s now called, gone and made himself ruler of Dunwall—shows up and blames everything on me. I knew that asshole was up to no good, I could feel it in my bones.
So then he of course has me—the Awesome Corvo—put in prison to be executed for the murder of the Empress, even though I totally didn’t do it, and Lord Assbent totally knows that.
I was actually supposed to be executed tomorrow but these bunch of people calling themselves the Loyalists helped me escape from prison. Not that I would have needed help, I was totally already planning my awesome escape, but they seem like nice people and I didn’t want to break their little hearts.
Besides, the Loyalists have this inventor guy named Pietro or something, that made me this totally kick-ass crossbow. Sure, he smells like he’s been hugging whales and not bathed for a while but he also seems like pretty clever guy and that might come in handy. Oh, that reminds me, I should carve my name into that crossbow. Just so if anyone finds it, they will know that it’s mine.
Actually—on second thought—since I’m still kind of wanted for the assassination of the Empress, that might not be the best idea.
Woah, I had like the weirdest fucking dream last night. Some guy calling himself “The Outsider”—talk about lame superhero name—came to me in my dreams and told me that I was chosen or something blah blah I don’t know, I kind of zoned out there in the middle. And then he told me he was going to give me superpowers. But then he also gives me this really gross human heart that is still beating. It was so disgusting.
Then get this! When I woke up this morning I had a human heart in my bed. It was so gross I puked a little in my mouth. Whenever I hold the heart, it starts beating and then it shows me to these weird whale bone thingys. At first I was like “WTF?”, but I’m cool now because they seem to give me like more powers or something.
In my dream “The Outsider”—still so lame—also burned this stupid tattoo into my hand and of course when I woke up, what was on my hand if not the same stupid tattoo. At least he could have asked. I don’t know how I’m going to cover this up. Maybe if I wear long sleeved shirts? Now I’m going to go meet with this Admiral Yes-Sir dude and see what he wants. I’m sure he just wants me to go fetch something for him, that he could have just as well done himself.
You’ll never guess who I just came back from killing! That douchenozzle Campbell, who I know had a part in the assassination of Jessamine and the kidnapping of Emily. He was going to poison this other guy, but I did the old switcheroo and poisoned that son of a bitch instead and stole his diary.
Oooh, idea for movie tagline! He got Corvo’ed!
But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, I should probably tell you about how Sammy B—the guy who drives the boat—was nice enough to give me a ride in his boat. He dropped me off near the JC Boulevard and then I was like super-sneaky, travelling across the roof tops and snuck into Campbell’s meeting room and switched his drink. Yeah, sure I fell off a few balconies on my way there but you gotta cut me some slack, I’m still getting use to this just blinking myself wherever I want to go. Besides, you try to aim in the middle of a jump and see how good you are at it. Didn’t think so. There may have also been a few incidents with these whale hugging guards finding me hiding in the bushes, and they were like “Hey, you there!” and I’m like “Stab!”. And then a few more stabs here and there—I fed them to the rats—but they totally had it coming, so not my bad.
Anyway so yeah. Sneaky sneaky, switched your drink and “Boom!” your dead. I even saved this whiny guy he was having a meeting with by making sure he didn’t get poisoned. I also saved this Martin guy but he seems like a total kiss ass.
How awesome am I? Pretty awesome, that’s how.
No weird dreams this time. Admiral Yes-Sir and his new sidekick Martin want me urgently for some reason so I’m going to go downstairs and see what that’s all about. They better not want me to go somewhere before I’ve had my breakfast.
Best news ever! That diary I stole from that whalehugger Campbell, they did whatever smart people do and figured out what that chicken scratch means and they found Emily. I’m so totally off to rescue her now.
I’m so tired.
First I was like sneaking into this whore house—Cat something, I don’t care—where they were hiding Emily. On my way there I met these assassin guys who were like all over the place with their “Swoosh, I’m gone, you missed me, can’t stab me.”, so then I had to be like even more doing that blinking thing. And I’m like “Haha, behind you. Stab!”. Anyway, they were super annoying.
Finally when I had snuck in, found and rescued Emily I had to go find these weirdo twins who were hanging out with these courtesans chicks. I totally get why they have to pay for it. And well, shit got a little messy and loud but I totally handled it like a pro and was all like “Hey, you there! Attack, attack, block, counter and surprise neck stab!”. And then I tossed them over the balcony into the water down below. No body, no evidence. They got Corvo’ed so badly.
Then when we came back I was going to give this awesome journal to Emily but I had to go get this old bearded guy first, because apparently he was super important or something. At first I was a bit like “Oh man, do I have to?” but it turned out to be pretty cool anyway because I met “The Outsider” again—he should really think about rebranding himself—and now I can do this cool thing where I like focus super intensely and then I’m like inside someone else. He also made this speech about bridges and some shit like that—I don’t know—I zoned out again. It wasn’t probably important anyway. I just wanted to test out my new powers because I thought that “It’s not like it’s going to work on, like fish or something.”. Turns out, it totally does. Freak-i-est shit ever.
Anyway. It’s been a long day today, and I’m really tired. Tomorrow I’m going to give Emily my journal of awesomeness and maybe she can keep writing in it for me instead. Who would have known that keeping a journal of all the awesome adventures I do, would be so tiring?
Corvo just gave this diary to me and told me to keep it safe and write in it daily. Although I’m happy he rescued me, I’m also worried, he’s clearly not taking my mother’s death as well as I had thought. His behaviour aside, that disturbing mask he’s wearing isn’t doing much for the image of his mental health either. I fear he’s becoming a liability.