In which I interview myself in the ultimate exercise in narcissism.

The 10 Second Interview

917 words about one-shot — 18:15 · 12th Jul 2010

My name is… Carlos.

A more appropriate first name for me would be… Carlos (but say it like you wanna bone me).

What kind of parent would you be? A slightly fascistic one.. hihi..

What did your mom write on your lunch bag? Eat it before it runs away.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? A Chef.

I wish I were a character in… since the cake is lie I’ll settle for π.

If I were a Disney character, I’d be… The dude who bones Esmeralda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

If I were a guest on “Jerry Springer,” the topic would be… The burden of being awesome!

What do you wish you had never done?

When they write my obituary, I hope they mention… that I still look better than most in a suit.

Blonde, Brunette, or Redhead? Yes, yes and yes. In no particular order.

The best music comes from… 100 years ago.

What’s your favorite type of cuisine? The tasty kind. I kinda like French food I think.

What would your super hero name be? Mr. Enormous Penis, at least I would insist that everyone called me that.

I want my last meal to be… Tortillas.

If I had to jump from the top of a building, I’d prefer to land in… On a really really fat person.

What question would you ask God? Assuming God is real for the sake of a question, I would probably ask him “They’re getting wrong aren’t they?”

I believe in… Myself.

What was your worst fashion mistake? White pants with a white T-Shirt.

I wouldn’t mind being stuck in a closet with… Someone slutty and frisky.

What’s the biggest difference between you and your parents? I’m an improved version.

What’s the dumbest excuse you’ve used to break up with someone? “You’re too nice for me…”

What are the strangest two foods you’ve combined together? Beer with anything else.

What would you do if you could be invisible? File a complaint to Superpowers’R’U.

I wish I had a miniature… world where I could play God.

What’s your favorite charity? Whichever one bugs me the least.

Bury me with my… Cigarettes and a bottle of well-chilled coke.

For my first wish, I wish… To never have to worry about having enough money.

What does the tooth fairy do with all those teeth? Makes creepy necklaces to sell to the Rich.

Boys go to Jupiter to get more… X’s in their Interplanetary Bingo Game

Girls go to Mars to get more… Tanned.

If I’m reincarnated, I’d like to be a… Dildo.

For the talent portion of the competition, I will… Sing songs I’ve written and composed.

Why do people watch reality shows? Because they’re stupid and easily entertained.

When the aliens arrive, I hope they bring… Back all the hillbillies and mentally challenged people they abducted all those years ago.

The last time you cleaned your room, how many hours did it take? My corner of the living room is never clean.

I like to put ketchup on… Hmm.. I don’t really like ketchup that much.

I’m looking forward to… the day when my board game Island of Eternity hits one million sales.

If there’s another book, it should be called “Harry Potter and The…” One Where They Actually Have Sex, a Lot.

I like my men/women how I like my…* nipples. Pointy and Hard.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? That I am really fucking annoying.

What advice would you give your younger self? Take no crap from anyone.

I knew I was an adult when… People expected me to behave like one.

If you discovered a planet, what would you call it? My Left Testicl.

What was (or will be) your wedding song? You Grew On Me by Tim Minchin & Moon River by Henry Mancini.

Who would you want to be with on a desert island? FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2010.

What is/was your imaginary friend’s name? Eric.

God is… a fictional character created by and for people who desperately need to believe in something greater than themselves.

I believed in Santa Claus until I was… I sounded eerily like my uncle/tried to steal the presents for himself.

What would your olympic event be? Burning.

What was your first live concert? Me and my siblings trying to be a band.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? Peter, Raymond and Egon. I would fuck their shit up.

I like to put mayo on… Just about anything.

I collect… farts in glass jars and name them according to people in the Bible.

I feel most powerful when… I’ve had too much Mad Croc and coffee.

Ah! To be young and… not allowed to vote.

Why did Jack and Jill really go up the hill? Because Jack told Jill that he totally loved her and she believed him.

If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be, and why? Cucumber.. You know why..

Though I try to hide it, I’m actually… A woman.

How many days past expiration are you willing to drink milk? 3-7 days depending on the smell.

If I lived in the year 1800, my profession would be… Whipping Boy.

I’d describe my sense of humor as… Awesome yet unappreciated.

I think Global Warming is… not getting here fast enough.

The best ride at Disneyland is… the Spinning Puke-of-Yer-Life Ride.

My biggest regret is… Not punching people in the face more often.

You’ve just read The 10 Second Interview.

In which, 10 years ago, I wrote 917 words about one-shot and I covered topics, such as: interviews.