In which I break up with Xbox 360 and Microsoft Live.

Dear Xbox (a Love? Letter)

756 words about one-shot — 17:45 · 30th Apr 2011

Dear Xbox (360 and Live)

I’m sorry I haven’t been around in a while. I can imagine you probably feel a bit neglected but I sincerely hope you still read this letter and not just throw in a metaphorical fire-place or some more appropriate metaphor considering you’re not really real, you’re a service. Oh, I’m sorry again. That came out wrong. I meant the service thing in a good way, not like in a prostitute way. Even though I kind of have to pay to have fun with you.

An Xbox avatar waving and looking very sad.
Your fake smile and vacant expression actually warms my heart. Just a little bit.

At least I can pay on a trimonthly basis and you do let me have fun with you whenever I feel like it. And then when I’m done I can just sort of abandon you. Actually come to think of it, you are very much like a prostitute… but a really good one, that I totally really like.

Even though I haven’t played with you in quite a while. Yeah sure, I sometimes get drunk with my friends and then we play with you for hours in one night, but then the next morning I forget about you… again. So what I’m trying to say dear Xbox (360 and Live) is that I’m sorry. I’ve thought about the words to say to you a lot, and all I could think of was “I’m sorry”. And it’s not even especially sincere. It’s not like I’m going to change for you. You have your fun sides and all but you’re just too high maintenance and I really don’t care that much about you any more. Oh, that came out wrong again.

What I meant to say is that.. umm.. well.. You’ve let yourself go damn it, you used to be all shiny and new and with such promise. And then you just let it all go. Well to be fair, you did hold your part on some of your promises, but not the ones that mattered. At least not to me. Yeah sure, you were the one who suggested toys to spice things up. But really, what were you thinking? I’ve seen what other people do with the same toys, and to be honest with you Xbox. It looks like they’re having wa’aaaay more fun with it. Other people are doing things with their toys that I imagine you never would, you would just give me that look of disgust and make a smug comment about how “you would never do that, no matter how much I begged”. Even though I still pay for you on a trimonthly basis.

I could say that it’s not your fault. But I would be lying. It’s totally your fault, you have no one else to blame but yourself. And no, you don’t look good in your new hair colour. You just don’t. There, I’ve said it.

An early prootype of Island of Eternity being played.
I never really liked your “awards” for doing weird things to you anyway.

No Xbox, don’t cry.. You’ll find someone else, someone that appreciates you in the way you should be appreciated. Someone who’s maybe too young and stupid to realise that you’re mostly a bit of a cock tease. Someone who thinks it’s totally okay to take more than you give in a relationship. Someone who doesn’t mind that there’s a little poo-poo in your private lady garden. I used to be that someone, but I’m sad to say Xbox, that I’m not any more.

Sure, let’s be honest. There will be lonely nights when I might still play with you. When I have nothing else to do and then you’ll be there, beckoning me with sweet memories of a times that used to be. And I’ll cave in and play with you for a couple of hours. But we both know I’ll feel really dirty afterwards and probably take a shower or two to get your stench of me. And then we won’t speak of it ever again, until it happens again. I’m cool with that, if you are?

Close up of the inside of a dirty, dusty Xbox.
Sshhh, don’t talk. You’ll ruin it. Just go with it even if it feels weird.

You’ve just read Dear Xbox (a Love? Letter).

In which, 12 years ago, I wrote 756 words about one-shot and I covered topics, such as: video games, and xbox.