Some posts write themselves — metaphorically of course, I still write them and those damn posts aren’t going to get all the credit — in a couple of hours, whilst others take weeks, even months of doing research, collecting data, making various charts and then starting over because you didn’t like the charts. This is one of the latter posts. The 28th of September — 2011, not 2012 — is the time stamp for on of the first files I have on this, mind you back then I didn’t actually think it would be a post. But here it is, in all its glory. Enjoy!
Hello… and welcome again, [subject #17]. Please immerse yourself in the following introductory message as pre-recorded by our “Friendly Introductory Unit 3000”. Leave all questions to the end of the course.
“Welcome dear traveller, to England. “Land of the Angels” as it is called by some — though they are few with today’s decreasing intelligence — and Great Britain by others. Use either of these names and you will be served well but be weary should you ever find yourself in the Northern part of this Britain of Greatness for when you reach Scotland, you are no longer in England.”
Prepare yourself to be met with great resentment and hostility should you claim to be in England, when you are in fact in Scotland. To an infantile mind such as yours I am sure this can all be very confusing, but rest assured I will be here with you every step of the way. To enhance the Assimilation Process, Aperture Science, Inc. has compiled a wide variety of charts, please follow these chart to better than your abilities would allow. Thank you, and have a good day.
Remember that by the end of this course you are expected to adhere to the following protocols; 1) Apologizing indiscriminately of situation. 2) Retain a certain level of self-aware irony. See pamphlet “How To Life With Yourself” for clarification. 3) Complain loudly in public about the weather, regardless of the current atmospheric conditions.
Please be advised that should you fail to follow these protocols you are “likely” ( statistically speaking, 61.8 % ) to be flagged as a foreigner and put into quarantine. Now, you wouldn’t want that, would you?
Should you feel the need to improve your vocabulary to better blend with the indigenous population, see pamphlets “Top ‘O The Mornin’ To Ya Govnr” and “Oy You Minger!”. These and any other pamphlets can be ordered online via Aperture Science, Inc.’s sister website; www.assimiliateintouk.com.
Before you begin your departure please keep in mind that you should reserve 21 ± 3 days to adjust to the wide variety of atmospheric conditions England will offer you. As you are departing from Finland — with its humid and cool semi-continental climate — a country known for its warm summers and freezing winters dress lightly as you are very likely to experience so called “hot flashes” whilst your fragile body adjusts to England’s temperate maritime climate. You should also take precautions to counter-act the difference in exposure to the life-affirming yet deadly rays of the sun. Use the following chart to guide your vitamin D intake as you experience the seasonal changes of England.
When the winter season approaches take some time out of your mundane routines to appreciate the temperate maritime climate you will be experiencing. Think back to living in Finland, were temperatures range between -3,5 to -10 °C — on average — during December, whereas you will now be experiencing temperatures ranging between +2 to +7,4 °C. Enjoy this — you pathetic human — as your insignificant existence is statistically unlikely to ever be better than this. The following chart has been produced to guide you in experiencing your various emotions throughout the year and their correlation to the average atmospheric highs and lows. Please be advised that deviations from this chart are prohibited and punishable by incineration.
Having taken the time to make the proper adjustments there is one final atmospheric anomaly you must account for. The stories you might have heard, of the precipitation levels in England are vastly exaggerated. Whilst there are notable differences in the precipitation level, this is perhaps the easiest adjustment you will be forced to make. Prepare yourself to experience an average of 131,2 days of precipitation in a year, compared to an average of 118 days of precipitation. During that time, a total of 838,7 mm will accumulate in comparison to the 638 mm of precipitation that accumulates in Finland. Should you have any questions regarding the specificity of the amount of precipitation throughout the year, broken down into months, please use the following chart before sending any inflammatory emails. All unsolicited emails will be forwarded to the same unit that supervises that you — and all other carbon based lifeforms — conform to the Emotional Guidance Charts. Using current technology, Incineration — again — is the preferred method of disposing of carbon based lifeforms such as yourself.
This marks the end of “The Assimilation Process”, Course I, Part I entitled “Anomalous Atmospheric Conditions”.