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My Stunning 5 and a Half Inches

~3 minutes

    In which I give in to O2’s constant pestering and renew my contract with them and get a new phone.

    This week I got new phone.

    After much pestering by O2 I finally gave in and bought myself a new phone. My contract had run out and they were, of course, eager to hook me back in before I realised I had other options.

    I would have stuck with them anyway but I didn’t tell them that. I want them to feel insecure, as if I still have some leverage in this relationship of ours.

    Even though I don’t.

    I had been having my eye on the Nexus 5 because I wanted to see what the update cycles were like on a phone not bound and bogged down with proprietary shit like HTC Sense or Samsung Touchwiz. But apparently I’m already behind the curve when it comes to modern technology because Nexus 5 isn’t one of the 98 phones that O2 has.


    “What now?,” I thought to myself as the saleswoman started offering me different models of LG phones, “What? No! I don’t want a fucking LG phone. I wanted a Google phone.”

    I want you to imagine how whiny and high-pitched my inner voice was getting towards the end of that last sentence.

    So, I left the store empty-handed, feeling superior for not falling victim to her attempts to ensnare me with promises of receiving a phone right away.

    “I shall be an informed customer who doesn’t fall prey to your cheap tricks, you techno-harlot,” I chuckled at the plan of returning later, that very same day, my mind filled with technical specifications—like Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind but with less hallucinations—much to the amazement of the saleswoman.

    I researched and I read. Looking at phones, such as the Sony Xperia Z2, the Samsung Galaxy S5 and the HTC One M8. I even looked at the iPhone 5S because, “Why the hell not, you never know. I should keep an open mind—Haha, but no.”

    I read up on their technical specifications. I looked at in-depth reviews, detailing the various shortcomings and highlights of each model. I consulted with friends and co-workers.

    Finally, as I headed back to the store I still hadn’t decided what phone I was going to get.

    That is, until I walked up to the LG G3, watched it respond with eagerness to my lightest touch and thought, “Ooh, shiny.”

    So, this week I got a new phone. And it’s a fucking LG phone.

    And I really like it so far. God damn it.

    Fake promotional image for LG G3 with the slogan: With its stunning Quad HD display at an astounding 538ppi, stalking your ex on Facebook will never be the same again.
    I hope LG doesn’t sue me for this.

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