After judging and guessing who would win this year’s Eurovision and then comparing Finland to United Kingdom which ended in a stalemate I suppose it’s only fitting that I finish up this Eurovision shit so we can all get back to your lives. Well, so I can get back to mine at least. After I’ve resolved that annoying stalemate. Don’t worry though, as I’m as sick of this as you probably are, this — unlike those other two — is actually going to be a short one.
I suppose I should start by taking by my hat of and congratulating United Kingdom on their glorious victor… What? No? They didn’t win? What do you mean? Are you sure? Well, yeah of course but I mean like, really really super-duper no doubt about it sure? You are? Well then, this is awkward.
Congratulations to United Kingdom on placing 19th in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. That’s…good? Well done to you.
And I see Finland did even better by having some on-stage girl-on-girl action, alienating the entire country of Turkey and thus securing your top spot… What? Oh. You’ve got to be kidding me? But, even after showing their support for gay marriage? Oh, especially because of…? Because some people find that hugely offensive? Right. Damn it.
Finland. Whilst I am in all honesty proud of you for supporting gay marriage — or as I would like to call it, marriage — I can’t say that I am especially pleased to hear that you placed 24th. In a competition with 26 contestants.
You know what? Neither of you did especially well. Seriously, what is up with that?
But, I said that whoever bested the other in this year’s Eurovision contest would be crowned the champion with all the non-existent spoils of war that means. Which means that I will in fact take my hat off to United Kingdom and congratulate you, you won Finland and I now officially crown you champion in this rivalry that I have totally made up. Here here I say, well done old chap. May our rivalry live on and we’ll get you next year.