What the Fuck Am I Eating?

Curse me and my curious nature. Curse it to the bowels of the deepest, darkest recesses of my colon.

So, today my co-workers started talking about something called Marmite — which apparently is a yeast extract spread, to put on toast — that I had never heard of. But apparently this incredibly wondrous product is either loved or hated, made — almost painfully — apparent by their own website.

So obviously I had to try it. And obviously I had to convince my wife and 4 year old to try it as well because well… if I’m going to suffer then so shall they.

As luck would have it — or misfortune — I needed to go to the store quickly to pick up some actual yeast for bread baking and whilst browsing a little bit as I always do, there it was. That inconspicuous little bottle of Marmite. Taunting me with its very existence. Compelling me to purchase it right away and regret it later. And regret it later I did.

Keeping in mind that I come from a country that consumes things like Mämmi, Salmiakki & Julmust. Now, I don’t personally eat Mämmi because if it looks like horse excrement I’m not putting it in my mouth. But I have no problem putting things that resemble rabbit droppings in my mouth as evident by my love for Salmiakki. Heck I even talked about it before, that how much I love and miss it.

Then again, I also come from a country that castrates its reindeer with our mouths, and smile while doing it. Yes, I’m serious. Did you know this? Because I sure as hell didn’t. Enjoy your blow job themed nightmares after that video.

Julmust — whilst technically a more Swedish tradition, where it outsells Coca-Cola during Christmas season — is something my wife loves. I should try to find it for her. It has a flavour similar to root beer but sweeter and quite frankly, I don’t understand what she sees in it. But she eats fish roe spread too, which is… just… well… 50% fish sex. Clearly our taste palates differ.

So. Marmite.

My wife, tried to take a small bite and quickly spat it out. She was done. “Shit! It’s shit. Pure shit. I’d rather smear my face in coal tar.” was the final seal of not-so-approval from her.

The 4 year old’s verdict? “Gross!” Then he ran to the toilet to spit it out. Then he came back to take another bite. After that he was sure he didn’t want any more.

I was last to go. Which in retrospect was quite the douchebag move on my behalf, “Here’s something that may or may not be edible. I’d like you two to try it first, mkay?” I also got to enjoy the small but brisk run to the toilet to spit out this foul satanic smear that I’d rather use to fill out cracks in my wall than eat. I mean seriously, is it a coincidence that it looks like The Creature From The Butt Crack Lagoon?¹ Or foreshadowing? So the lesson here is, if it smells like yeast and looks like tar, it’s probably Marmite. And that shit is fucking disgusting.